Player Two Start!: Gone in a Blur

Behold this ad for Blur, the badass racing video game that tried to make a name for itself by taking a thinly veiled swipe at the “lame” Super Mario Kart series by proclaiming “Race Like a Big Boy”, as if to say, “We’re the mature alternative to Mario Kart”, meant to appeal to the type that think being “edgy” and “X-TREME!!!” equal being mature. Basically, an insecure juvenile’s idea of maturity.

 

Fast-forward to now, where the Mario Kart titles continue to sell millions of copies, whereas most people have completely forgotten about Blur. The irony here is obvious: many people who viewed this spot said they’d rather play the cutesy, squeaky-clean parody game in this spot than the actual game it was advertising, plus the ad managed to tick off a lot of Mario Kart fans, not a good idea if you want them to try your game. (BTW, anybody who thinks that Mario Kart is “about making friends” has clearly never played the game; one well-placed blue tortoise shell or lightning bolt could cause a severe rift between players, if anything Mario Kart could end a friendship as easily as it could perpetuate one.)

The same fate befell game mascots Croc…

Croc 1

 

Croc

…And Ty the Tasmanian Tiger…

Ty Ad

…Both of whom attacked other, more popular game mascots in their ads, only to promptly vanish into obscurity.

Itchy_brother

“Man, I, like, y’know, never heard of those cats!”

What’s the lesson to be learned here? If you want your potential video game franchise to be long running and successful, then don’t attempt to slam other games in your ads. That only worked for Sonic the Hedgehog, and look at him now. Better yet, look at him 15 years ago.

If you try to put yourself over other games, you’ll end up harder to find than this guy:

Waldo

“FTR, I’ve never played Blur either!”

Player Two Start!: Favorite Video Game Power-Ups

power-ups

Today’s Player Two Start digs into the Digital Goody Bag and pays tribute to some of our favorite video game Power-Ups, those fun little boosts and advantages that make reaching the end of a level, completing a stage or laying waste to that Big Boss just that much easier.

First, the boring stuff: we won’t be reviewing any of these games, as we don’t do reviews here; there are already so many game reviewers in Cyber Land that us attempting to do it would be superfluous, especially since we’re even more clueless gamers than Conan O’Brien. Also, this list isn’t in any particular order, so I won’t be numbering them. That said, Press Start.

INVINCIBLE STAR (Super Mario Bros. games)

Invincible Star

"Come at-a me now, bro! I-ah DARE you!"

“Come at-a me now, bro! I-ah DARE you!”

Arguably one of THE most famous and revered Power-Ups in all of gaming. Snag this bad boy and you can just run through anything, knocking any and all obstacles out of your way for several second, accompanied by a Bossa Nova beat. It’s good to be the king.

"I told you clowns before. I'm UNSTOPPABLE!"

“I told you clowns before. I’m UNSTOPPABLE!”

BOMB PIZZA (TMNT: Turtles in Time)

"PIZZAAAA POWERRRR!"

“PIZZAAAA POWERRRR!”

Similar to the Invincible Star, this greasy wonder will cause you to spin around like a maniac, bringing da pain to any and all surrounding enemies. Any Pizza served in a red box with a fireakin’ bomb on it has to he dangerous…or just loaded down with jalapeno peppers.

FIRE FLOWER (Super Mario Bros. games)

FireflowerNSMB2

It allows you to whomp enemies with fireballs. ‘Nuff said. You’ll never look at a flower with eyeballs on it the same way again.

"Burn, baby, burn!"

“Burn, baby, burn!”

CAPE FEATHER (Super Mario World)

This feather ain't no lightweight.

This feather ain’t no lightweight.

This little beauty turns Mario into Caped Mario, allowing him to fly indefinitely through levels, and attack spiked enemies by spinning it around.

"It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a-ME!"

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a-ME!”

WARP STAR (Kirby games)

Warp_Star_Trophy

Kirby on Warpstar

It’s the little pink ball’s primary mode of transportation, that flies Kirby to another part of a level once he gets on it. Sometimes a Warp Star is the only way to reach the end of the level; sometimes they allow Kirby to reach secret areas; while other times, they just provide a faster (and safer) way to get across. Sure, it has a tendency to violently crash land, destroying itself in the process, but it’s a flying star. It’s just naturally cool.

SPINY SHELL & LIGHTNING BOLT (Super Mario Kart games)

These 2 are favorite ways of laying waste to your competitors.

Mario_Kart_Blue_Shell

The Spiny Shell (aka the Blue Shell), when fired, seeks out the lead car in the race and takes it out….

LightningBolt

…While the Lightning Bolt shrinks all the racers except for the user, making them slower and vulnerable to being squashed by normal sized racers.

"Say, you know if I can get those on the black market?"

“Say, you know if I can get those on the black market?”

TANOOKI, HAMMER & FROG SUITS (Super Mario Bros. 3)

I’m listing these last 3 together since they’re all from the same game.

TanookiMario

The Tanooki Suit may make Mario look like a college football mascot, but it can do some cool stuff. With it, he can fly across levels…

"I don't mean to nitpick, but raccoons aren't really known for their flying."

“I don’t mean to nitpick, but raccoons aren’t really known for their flying.”

Statue_Mario

…Plus it allows him to evade enemies by transforming him into a statue. (I don’t get the correlation between raccoons and statues, must be a Japanese thing.) Incidentally, if you time it just right, if you do the statue transformation move as Tanooki Mario is going down a pipe, when he comes out the other end, the Tanooki Suit will be gray. I’ve never done it myself.

Hammer Mario

The Hammer Suit allows Mario to fling hammers at his foes a la the Hammer Brothers, and it grants him invulnerability when he ducks down into his shell.

"Proper!"

“Proper!”

FrogMario

The Frog Suit won’t earn you any style points, but it does enable you to swim farther and faster in underwater levels, and you can jump high and far on land.

-Plus, as a nifty little bonus, if you can manage to keep your suit while beating the Koopaling at the end of the level (I usually couldn’t), you’d get a different message from the King of that level!

Here’s the Tanooki King’s message:

Tanooki King Message

Frog King message:

Frog King Message

And the Hammer King message:

Hammer King Message

After all that, I can think of only one thing to say: