Here we are, folks, 8 months into 2010. Can you believe that’s it’s been 2 years since Toonami ended? The only thing I have a harder time believing is the number of people who still need grief counseling about Toonami’s ending and those who are still clinging on to the hopes that the block will one day be resurrected somewhere, anywhere.

A few weeks ago I was involved in a conversation about this very subject; when it was mentioned that Cartoon Network has no plans to resurrect Toonami and the block’s stint on CN is indeed over, some helpful optimist piped in with this query:

“Why dosen’t CN rebrand Boomeraction into Toonami? It would work perfectly. The point of Boomerang is to bring back shows people loved so why not air Toonami ? I am suggesting they just show all of the old shows that aired on Toonami, all of the anime, all of the shows that aired on Cartoon Roulette, kind of like Toonami Retro.”

Yeah.

Yeah!

YEAH!

Yeah, that’s not happening.

Now, before you all get ready to pelt me with rotten fruit, let me just say that I don’t think a Toonami on Boomerang is a terrible idea. I’ve been saying for a while now that Boomerang needs a shot in the arm to revive it from its’ current zombified state. But let’s be real here: Unless someone decides to revamp the entire channel, a Toonami on Boomerang is not going to happen.

Why? Let’s break it down, shall we?

1. Such an endeavor would be expensive.

As always in life, it’s all about the Benjamins. The thing some people tend to forget is that Toonami wasn’t a show, but a programming block. And most of the shows which aired on said block were licensed 3rd party acquisitions, meaning that Cartoon Network had to pay licensees fees for the rights to air the shows which aired on the block. The other thing that these same people tend to forget is that Turner has since let the broadcasting rights to most of Toonami’s signature shows expire, so Boom can’t have a Toonami that runs every show that used to air on Cartoon Network’s Toonami, because CN has since lost the broadcasting rights to most of those shows. A Toonami on Boomerang would have to do without the following:

Sailor Moon=no.
Robotech=no.
ReBoot=no.
Ronin Warriors=no.
G-Force=no.
Gundam=no.
Tenchi Muyo!=no
Blue Submarine=no.
Outlaw Star=no.
Big O=no.
Cardcaptors=no.
Dragon Ball/Z=no.
Hamtaro=no.
Zoids=no.
.hack=no.
Evangelion=no.
Yu Yu Hakusho=no.
Jackie Chan Adventures=no.
Fantastic Four: WGH=no.

Cartoon Network does not currently have the broadcasting rights to air any of these shows, and they’re not going to pay to re-acquire them for Boomerang. Why not? This brings us to point #2:

2. Boomerang is a far cry from what Toonami was.

Boomerang, in addition to aiming itself at an older audience demographic than Toonami’s target audience, the channel has far less viewers than CN and it’s also an ad-free, bonus tier package afterthought to Turner. Cartoon Network re-acquiring the licenses and reviving a dead brand name for a tiny extra tier channel with such a small viewership which is only in a handful of homes would be a waste of money, especially since The Powers That Be would need to know that they would receive the ratings to justify the higher cost to advertisers (which Boomerang doesn’t have because it’s ad-free), which would in turn fund the block.

It’s a simple equation, folks: Viewers=Money=Acquisitions. And Boomerang just doesn’t have enough viewers to sustain something like a Toonami style block.

3. Turner has no interest in establishing an action brand on Boomerang.

Ever since Turner dissolved Boom’s original scheduling format in 2005 (yearly features on Saturday, “Boomeraction” all-day Sunday), Boomeraction has just been looping the same shows like Swat Kats and Thundarr over and over again. Turner wouldn’t stand to gain anything by acquiring anything resembling Toonami on Boom, least of all a new action block. the last time Boom aired any new action cartoon was when they acquired Battle of the Planets in 2004; the ratings for BotP were terrible and the series was yanked off the schedule after just 5 months. Since then, Boom has basically shyed away from any exclusive action properties (save for Voltron, Justice League/Unlimited and The Batman, which were all leftovers from CN, Kids’ WB! and [adult swim], respectively), and also currently Turner wants nothing to do with shonen, non-toy based anime outside of [as].

4. The Toonami brand name is kaput.

Look, I know this is a hard thing to come to terms with, but it’s the truth. The Toonami branding is as dead as a kipper on a cracker. Networks very seldom, if ever, resurrect old brands and blocks; TV is a business, and in order for any business to succeed, they must keep moving forward, not constantly look back.

What would be the point of moving the Toonami brand to a digital tier only channel that almost no one gets? Answer: No point whatsoever. If Turner wanted to relaunch Toonami, it would make more sense for them to do it on Cartoon Network, not on Boomerang. CN is many more homes than Boom is and Boom is ad free and therefore is not interested in ratings. Furthermore, if Turner wanted to resurrect Toonami, they would do it. CN owns Toonami, lock, stock and barrel. There’d be nothing stopping them, but they don’t want to resurrect Toonami. They have no reason to. CN could easily be airing Toonami wraparounds during it’s current action cartoon block right now as I type, but they aren’t, and it’s very, very unlikely that they ever will, as networks seldom (if ever) re-launch program blocks once they’ve been put to an end, and I doubt that CN would go through the trouble of ending Toonami just to bring it back 2 years later.

Do we not remember how bad Toonami was in its’ last years? It wouldn’t be any any better on Boomerang. If Boomeraction were to rebrand itself as Toonami, there would be no new action cartoons or any action anime. Turner can only air the shows they own, and currently all they have available to them are the shows which currently run on Boomeraction now. Toonami on Boomerang would literally be nothing more than Boomeraction with a different name and different bumps. Do fans really miss Toonami so much that they’d even be willing to accept a fake Toonami?

I know that I’m probably going to catch a ton of flack for this entry, but people need to come to terms with things the way they are. I enjoyed Toonami in its’ heyday just like most of you, but now that it’s over, I can accept that it’s gone.

I say your best bet is to cherish your memories of Toonami and hope for good things in the future, ’cause a Toonami Retro block on Boomerang just isn’t going to happen.

In the fall of 2005, Kids’ WB debuted a Canadian/American co-produced animated series titled Johnny Test. Described as little more than a gender swapped version of Dexter’s Laboratory by it’s anti-fans, Test is all about an 11-year-old boy who is a living test subject for the experiments of his teenage genius twin sisters, Susan & Mary. Along for the ride is Johnny’s pet dog Dukey, who thanks to being experimented on by Mary & Susan, possesses human intelligence, the ability to speak and exceptional martial arts skills. Rounding things out at the Test’s home are the kids’ parents; their anal, uptight but still likable stay-at-home dad Hugh and their loving but busy business woman mom Lila.

When I saw the premiere of Johnny Test, my initial thought was “This is the stupidest show that I’ve ever seen!” and I ignored it for most of it’s run on WB. Test didn’t set the world on fire, but it did well enough in the ratings to secure another 3 seasons on Kids’ WB. Shortly after Test‘s stint on WB ended, the reruns were acquired by Turner and began airing on Cartoon Network. Surprisingly, this acquisition scored big ratings points among viewers (some of which were seeing the series for the very 1st time), and is presently one of Toon biggest (and most overplayed) shows. I began watching some of the episodes that I missed when Test was airing on WB, and to my surprise, I didn’t hate episodes as much as I did when Test was running on Saturday mornings on Kids WB. Some of the stories I actually found to be amusing. So, even though I no longer hate Johnny Test, why is Test still never listed among my favorite programs? I’ll tell you why.

Yes, that’s right. The main thing/element that I dislike about Johnny Test is the title character of Johnny Test himself. I like his sisters. I like Dukey the dog. I like the parents (in fact, I think that the idea of the parents having reversed roles–Mom works while Dad stays home as opposed to the opposite–is a funny and interesting idea). I even like some of the shows’ recurring characters, most notably the pudgy, wanna be hip infinitely rich teenager Eugene,aka “Bling-Bling Boy”, but I don’t like Johnny. Sorry, but I just don’t. Believe me, I have tired. I’ve watched several episodes and have really made a conscious effort to try to like Johnny, but I just can’t. Johnny is weak link of his own series for a number of reasons:

-First, he’s annoying and horribly generic. Everything about Johnny screams “Generic ‘Kids rule!’ preteen hero. He has all of the requisite pre-teen boy habits (playing video games, loafing, avoiding working hard, etc), and he has all of the cliched supporting characters in his life. Most notably, the neighborhood girl who treats the main character like the scum you scrape off of tomato soup, but who secretly has a crush on the boy (Sissy), as well as the resident school bully (Bumper) who exists for no other purpose than to torment Johnny, even though he has no reason to actually hate him. All of the worst elements of Johnny Test can be traced to either Johnny or the characters whom are directly associated with Johnny. it’s hard to like a show when you find it’s most important character annoying.

-Second, Johnny isn’t very likable. i guess that we (the viewers) are supposed to see the character as being delightfully anarchic, a la the early Bart Simpson, but just comes off as irritating. In one short, Johnny uses his sisters’ tech to bring fossilized dinosaurs to life on a filed trip to the museum, putting his entire class in serious danger for no other reason than he’s bored. What a jerk!

-Third, Johnny has no talent. Mary, Susan and Dukey are much more interesting characters with much more interesting traits: Susan & Mary are super geniuses who can make virtually anything in their own impossibly high tech lab which is stored within their otherwise ordinary suburban home. Dukey is a dog who can talk, is smarter than most people and has mad martial arts skills, but Johnny brings absolutely nothing to the table. He’s not particularly bright. His grades stink. He doesn’t excel at anything. Johnny has no talent other than his uncanny ability to annoy people. Sure, he’s got interesting hair, but in the long run, that’s not much of an asset.

Why is it that on Dexter’s Laboratory, the boy genius Dexter is the central character in the direct center of the series and his annoying non-genius older sister Dee-Dee is only a prominent supporting player, yet on Johnny Test, it is the non genius annoying sibling Johnny who is in front, while the much more interesting characters of the Test Twins are merely supporting players? It almost seems as though Test‘s producers were afraid that networks wouldn’t be interested in buying a series starring a pair of girls, and so they instead put the über annoying Johnny in the center under the belief that “girls are icky!”. Let’s face it, folks, Susan & Mary are the real stars of the show. Test would be boring and horribly generic without them. Without Mary and Susan, there’d be no lab, no crazy inventions/experiments and no Dukey (at least not the intelligent talking version of Dukey). One only has to see the episode “The Quantum of Johnny” to see how badly the show would suck if the Test Twins weren’t there. If the Test Twins were the stars of the show and the supporting cast were their supporting cast, then it could be a great show. I’d much rather see a series centering on Mary & Susan and their lives with no Johnny character present at all. I guess that network executives don’t believe that people would prefer a series about a pair of smarty pants girls instead of a wanna be cool anarchic goof of a boy like Johnny. Well, believe it, suits!

I’ve been hearing a lot of requests and thoughts from fans on the message boards about a 24 hour Adult Swim channel. AS should become it’s own channel. Why doesn’t AS just become it’s own channel?, etc. I’ve heard similar requests for a 24 hour 4KidsTV channel.

Listen, I don’t want to sound like a jerk here, but I have to chuckle a little when people say “Why doesn’t so-and-so program block just become it’s own channel?”, as if launching a 24 hour channel is as easy as buying airspace at the entertainment section of your local Walmart. Launching a 24 hour channel is a more costly and involved process than most fans believe it to be. There are a number of things working against Williams Street splitting from Cartoon Network and launching Adult Swim into it’s own separate channel. Before I start, I’d like to clear up a little misconception that a few fans seem to believe in as gospel: Adult Swim is not a separate entity from Cartoon Network; AS is part of Toon. AS is a 4 hour program block that airs nightly on Cartoon Network which due to the fact that it’s considered to be a separate entity for ratings and commercial purposes, has successfully fooled everyone into thinking that it’s a separate channel, when it is in fact, merely a program block. Toon and AS are not “sister” networks, the way that TBS and TNT are. It’s much more like Nickelodeon and Nick@Nite. Cartoon Network owns Adult Swim, lock stock and barrel.

That said, here are some reasons why an Adult Swim channel will likely never come to pass:

– Adult Swim doesn’t have enough programming to run 24/7.
Many of the outside acquisitions that used to run on AS Williams Street no longer has the broadcasting rights to. You wouldn’t want AS running 24/7, unless you wouldn’t mind seeing reruns of Space Ghost: Coast to Coast running about 10 times a day, Robot Chicken running about 9 times a day and Aqua Teen Hunger Force running another 10 times in a day. What’s that you say? “Then why doesn’t WS just make a bunch of new shows?” Because that’s easier said then done, that’s why. New programming costs money, and who’s going to give WS the mucho dinero they would need to produce a bunch of new programs? Turner? Don’t think so. If Turner is too cheap to produce a general kids’ entertainment channel to air it’s crappy live action shows on, then they’re sure as shootin’ not going to finance a 24/7 AS channel.

– Adult only programming can only air during certain hours of the day
Adult Swim isn’t HBO or Showtime, which are both pay stations. Programs like The Boondocks, for example, are rated TV-MA, which means that AS wouldn’t be able to air them during the daytime hours. Imagine what would happen if a stay-at-home mom caught her toddler channel surfing during a commercial break of Blue’s Clues and landing on an episode of The Boondocks or Squdbillies or Tim & Eric and you’ll have some idea why this idea could simply not fly. WS would have to air kid-friendly programming during the daylight hours in order to appease the concerned parents at home, which would defeat the purpose of having an AS channel in the 1st place.

-Neither Williams Street nor Turner have any desire to make an AS channel
Representatives from WS have stated repeatedly that they don’t want to break off and program an AS channel, and Turner doesn’t want AS to separate from Toon because AS is currently getting higher ratings than anything else on Toon. To throw away a program block that’s the highest rated thing on their channel right now would be more insane than wearing a suit made of aluminum foil, pour gravy on your head running around screaming “Look at me! I’m Baked Potato Man!”. Meanwhile, Boomerang is continuing to languish on it’s never ending hamster wheel and getting the red-headed stepchild treatment from Turner, with only the occasional shuffling of it’s lineup in order to create the illusion that the channel isn’t dead (My personal theory is that the programming on the Boomerang channel is being run on a single tape that’s run repeatedly in a small room within the Cartoon Network studio and some guy looks in occasionally to check if the tape is still playing). Turner needs to make better use of the 2 animation channels that it has now before they even entertain the thought of making a 3rd cartoon channel.

However, it appears as if Cartoon Network is going to allow Adult Swim to begin airing at 9pm (EST) in the near future (whether or not this is a good thing remains to be seen. I have mixed emotions about this move myself, but that’s for another time), so for the folks longing for an AS channel, this is probably the closest thing we’re going to get to actually having one.