This past year (2010 – seems like it was only a week ago!), Cartoon Network has expanded it’s Adult Swim program block an extra hour so that it now starts at 9PM (EST). Prior to this move, CN has altered it’s Monday night comedy block to feature animated shows which are only 15 minutes in length, which is actually only about 10 or 11 minutes without commercials. Among thse shows is a sketch comedy series based on MAD Magazine, simply titled MAD (which is more or less a G-rated version of AS’s Robot Chicken). However, for reasons which I will go into later, The 2 main new shows which follow in this vein are the ones that we’ll be focusing on here: Regular Show and Robotomy.

Above: the cast of Regular Show (clockwise from the left): Skips, Benson, Mordecai, Rigby and Pops

The main characters of Robotomy: Thrasher (left) and Blastus (right)

IMHO, Regular Show is the better of the 2 (in fact, I’d go so far to say that RS is Cartoon Network’s best new series of 2010. I like RS even better than Genndy Tartakofsky’s Sym-Biotic Titan. Yeah, I said that.), although Robotomy has it’s moments.

Regular Show, whose title is meant to be sarcastic, centers on a pair of 23-year-old slackers who work at a public park and also live on the premises, Mordecai (voiced by series creator J.G. Quintel) and Rigby, who also happen to be a 6-foot-tall blue jay and a raccoon. Mordecai is the more laid back and (only slightly) more responsible of the 2, while Rigby is excitable, impulsive and all about instant gratification (Rigby, in fact, reminds me a little of Max from Sam & Max). The park’s supervisor is a cranky, living gumball machine named Benson, who frequently chastises the dudes for being the lazy slackers that they are. The park’s owner is an incredibly naive and old-world lollipop man called Pops. Pops is the boss of all the main characters but he’s so incredibly clueless that he’s totally dependent on Benson to run things at the park. Pops likes Mordecai and Rigby, which is the only reason why Benson hasn’t fired them yet. Other park employees at the park include it’s groundskeeper, a yeti names Skips (voiced by Mark Hammil), so named because he always skips around rather than walking or running, who usually looks angry but is usually the one who helps out Rigby and Mordecai when they mess things up. A stupid, pale-green abnormally strong goon named Muscle Man, who falls very firmly into the modern day “bro” archetype, and his buddy High-Five Ghost, a Pac Man lookalike ghost with a single hand protruding from his head complete the main cast. In every episode, a regular mundane activity evolved into a world threatening crisis involving such elements as time travel, gods and floating demon heads. RS is a basically Clerks meets Megas XLR with some traces of Rocko’s Modern Life thrown in for good measure.

Robotomy, meanwhile, takes place on a strange planet known as Insanus in which it’s main inhabitants are violent killer robots whose sole purpose for existing is to break, kill and maim each other for no apparent reason. It’s main characters are a pair of high school student robots named Thrasher (voiced by Patton Oswalt) and Blastus (voiced by Fat Guy Stuck in Intenet’s John Gemberling), who are the misfits of their society because they harbor feelings of warmth and compassion.

What’s even more interesting than the shows themselves is the content of the shows. On Regular Show, for example, the characters are allowed to use words such as “crap”, “pissed”, and “hell”. One episode of Robotomy features an allusion to masturbation. The content isn’t anything really over-the-top, but it’s more daring than anything that’s aired on CN to date. While, MAD is decidedly and consciously aimed at kids, largely because of restrictions imposed by the network over what can and can’t be parodied on the show, RS and R seem more like they were originally intended to air on Adult Swim, but were inexplicably sent to CN for some unknown reason, and it’s almost a shame that R and RS aren’t given a run on AS, as both shows would fit in with AS rather well and both would be a welcome change of pace from the endless stream of Family Guy and Robot Chicken reruns. Don’t get me wrong. I still watch and enjoy Robot Chicken; the sketches aren’t all winners, but it’s good when it has a good concept, but AS has been running RC at 12 for what seems like an eternity now. I’d settle for Willams Street realizing that “adult” isn’t synonymous with “crude, sexist, frat boy/stoner humor”.

Here we are, folks, 8 months into 2010. Can you believe that’s it’s been 2 years since Toonami ended? The only thing I have a harder time believing is the number of people who still need grief counseling about Toonami’s ending and those who are still clinging on to the hopes that the block will one day be resurrected somewhere, anywhere.

A few weeks ago I was involved in a conversation about this very subject; when it was mentioned that Cartoon Network has no plans to resurrect Toonami and the block’s stint on CN is indeed over, some helpful optimist piped in with this query:

“Why dosen’t CN rebrand Boomeraction into Toonami? It would work perfectly. The point of Boomerang is to bring back shows people loved so why not air Toonami ? I am suggesting they just show all of the old shows that aired on Toonami, all of the anime, all of the shows that aired on Cartoon Roulette, kind of like Toonami Retro.”

Yeah.

Yeah!

YEAH!

Yeah, that’s not happening.

Now, before you all get ready to pelt me with rotten fruit, let me just say that I don’t think a Toonami on Boomerang is a terrible idea. I’ve been saying for a while now that Boomerang needs a shot in the arm to revive it from its’ current zombified state. But let’s be real here: Unless someone decides to revamp the entire channel, a Toonami on Boomerang is not going to happen.

Why? Let’s break it down, shall we?

1. Such an endeavor would be expensive.

As always in life, it’s all about the Benjamins. The thing some people tend to forget is that Toonami wasn’t a show, but a programming block. And most of the shows which aired on said block were licensed 3rd party acquisitions, meaning that Cartoon Network had to pay licensees fees for the rights to air the shows which aired on the block. The other thing that these same people tend to forget is that Turner has since let the broadcasting rights to most of Toonami’s signature shows expire, so Boom can’t have a Toonami that runs every show that used to air on Cartoon Network’s Toonami, because CN has since lost the broadcasting rights to most of those shows. A Toonami on Boomerang would have to do without the following:

Sailor Moon=no.
Robotech=no.
ReBoot=no.
Ronin Warriors=no.
G-Force=no.
Gundam=no.
Tenchi Muyo!=no
Blue Submarine=no.
Outlaw Star=no.
Big O=no.
Cardcaptors=no.
Dragon Ball/Z=no.
Hamtaro=no.
Zoids=no.
.hack=no.
Evangelion=no.
Yu Yu Hakusho=no.
Jackie Chan Adventures=no.
Fantastic Four: WGH=no.

Cartoon Network does not currently have the broadcasting rights to air any of these shows, and they’re not going to pay to re-acquire them for Boomerang. Why not? This brings us to point #2:

2. Boomerang is a far cry from what Toonami was.

Boomerang, in addition to aiming itself at an older audience demographic than Toonami’s target audience, the channel has far less viewers than CN and it’s also an ad-free, bonus tier package afterthought to Turner. Cartoon Network re-acquiring the licenses and reviving a dead brand name for a tiny extra tier channel with such a small viewership which is only in a handful of homes would be a waste of money, especially since The Powers That Be would need to know that they would receive the ratings to justify the higher cost to advertisers (which Boomerang doesn’t have because it’s ad-free), which would in turn fund the block.

It’s a simple equation, folks: Viewers=Money=Acquisitions. And Boomerang just doesn’t have enough viewers to sustain something like a Toonami style block.

3. Turner has no interest in establishing an action brand on Boomerang.

Ever since Turner dissolved Boom’s original scheduling format in 2005 (yearly features on Saturday, “Boomeraction” all-day Sunday), Boomeraction has just been looping the same shows like Swat Kats and Thundarr over and over again. Turner wouldn’t stand to gain anything by acquiring anything resembling Toonami on Boom, least of all a new action block. the last time Boom aired any new action cartoon was when they acquired Battle of the Planets in 2004; the ratings for BotP were terrible and the series was yanked off the schedule after just 5 months. Since then, Boom has basically shyed away from any exclusive action properties (save for Voltron, Justice League/Unlimited and The Batman, which were all leftovers from CN, Kids’ WB! and [adult swim], respectively), and also currently Turner wants nothing to do with shonen, non-toy based anime outside of [as].

4. The Toonami brand name is kaput.

Look, I know this is a hard thing to come to terms with, but it’s the truth. The Toonami branding is as dead as a kipper on a cracker. Networks very seldom, if ever, resurrect old brands and blocks; TV is a business, and in order for any business to succeed, they must keep moving forward, not constantly look back.

What would be the point of moving the Toonami brand to a digital tier only channel that almost no one gets? Answer: No point whatsoever. If Turner wanted to relaunch Toonami, it would make more sense for them to do it on Cartoon Network, not on Boomerang. CN is many more homes than Boom is and Boom is ad free and therefore is not interested in ratings. Furthermore, if Turner wanted to resurrect Toonami, they would do it. CN owns Toonami, lock, stock and barrel. There’d be nothing stopping them, but they don’t want to resurrect Toonami. They have no reason to. CN could easily be airing Toonami wraparounds during it’s current action cartoon block right now as I type, but they aren’t, and it’s very, very unlikely that they ever will, as networks seldom (if ever) re-launch program blocks once they’ve been put to an end, and I doubt that CN would go through the trouble of ending Toonami just to bring it back 2 years later.

Do we not remember how bad Toonami was in its’ last years? It wouldn’t be any any better on Boomerang. If Boomeraction were to rebrand itself as Toonami, there would be no new action cartoons or any action anime. Turner can only air the shows they own, and currently all they have available to them are the shows which currently run on Boomeraction now. Toonami on Boomerang would literally be nothing more than Boomeraction with a different name and different bumps. Do fans really miss Toonami so much that they’d even be willing to accept a fake Toonami?

I know that I’m probably going to catch a ton of flack for this entry, but people need to come to terms with things the way they are. I enjoyed Toonami in its’ heyday just like most of you, but now that it’s over, I can accept that it’s gone.

I say your best bet is to cherish your memories of Toonami and hope for good things in the future, ’cause a Toonami Retro block on Boomerang just isn’t going to happen.

In the fall of 2005, Kids’ WB debuted a Canadian/American co-produced animated series titled Johnny Test. Described as little more than a gender swapped version of Dexter’s Laboratory by it’s anti-fans, Test is all about an 11-year-old boy who is a living test subject for the experiments of his teenage genius twin sisters, Susan & Mary. Along for the ride is Johnny’s pet dog Dukey, who thanks to being experimented on by Mary & Susan, possesses human intelligence, the ability to speak and exceptional martial arts skills. Rounding things out at the Test’s home are the kids’ parents; their anal, uptight but still likable stay-at-home dad Hugh and their loving but busy business woman mom Lila.

When I saw the premiere of Johnny Test, my initial thought was “This is the stupidest show that I’ve ever seen!” and I ignored it for most of it’s run on WB. Test didn’t set the world on fire, but it did well enough in the ratings to secure another 3 seasons on Kids’ WB. Shortly after Test‘s stint on WB ended, the reruns were acquired by Turner and began airing on Cartoon Network. Surprisingly, this acquisition scored big ratings points among viewers (some of which were seeing the series for the very 1st time), and is presently one of Toon biggest (and most overplayed) shows. I began watching some of the episodes that I missed when Test was airing on WB, and to my surprise, I didn’t hate episodes as much as I did when Test was running on Saturday mornings on Kids WB. Some of the stories I actually found to be amusing. So, even though I no longer hate Johnny Test, why is Test still never listed among my favorite programs? I’ll tell you why.

Yes, that’s right. The main thing/element that I dislike about Johnny Test is the title character of Johnny Test himself. I like his sisters. I like Dukey the dog. I like the parents (in fact, I think that the idea of the parents having reversed roles–Mom works while Dad stays home as opposed to the opposite–is a funny and interesting idea). I even like some of the shows’ recurring characters, most notably the pudgy, wanna be hip infinitely rich teenager Eugene,aka “Bling-Bling Boy”, but I don’t like Johnny. Sorry, but I just don’t. Believe me, I have tired. I’ve watched several episodes and have really made a conscious effort to try to like Johnny, but I just can’t. Johnny is weak link of his own series for a number of reasons:

-First, he’s annoying and horribly generic. Everything about Johnny screams “Generic ‘Kids rule!’ preteen hero. He has all of the requisite pre-teen boy habits (playing video games, loafing, avoiding working hard, etc), and he has all of the cliched supporting characters in his life. Most notably, the neighborhood girl who treats the main character like the scum you scrape off of tomato soup, but who secretly has a crush on the boy (Sissy), as well as the resident school bully (Bumper) who exists for no other purpose than to torment Johnny, even though he has no reason to actually hate him. All of the worst elements of Johnny Test can be traced to either Johnny or the characters whom are directly associated with Johnny. it’s hard to like a show when you find it’s most important character annoying.

-Second, Johnny isn’t very likable. i guess that we (the viewers) are supposed to see the character as being delightfully anarchic, a la the early Bart Simpson, but just comes off as irritating. In one short, Johnny uses his sisters’ tech to bring fossilized dinosaurs to life on a filed trip to the museum, putting his entire class in serious danger for no other reason than he’s bored. What a jerk!

-Third, Johnny has no talent. Mary, Susan and Dukey are much more interesting characters with much more interesting traits: Susan & Mary are super geniuses who can make virtually anything in their own impossibly high tech lab which is stored within their otherwise ordinary suburban home. Dukey is a dog who can talk, is smarter than most people and has mad martial arts skills, but Johnny brings absolutely nothing to the table. He’s not particularly bright. His grades stink. He doesn’t excel at anything. Johnny has no talent other than his uncanny ability to annoy people. Sure, he’s got interesting hair, but in the long run, that’s not much of an asset.

Why is it that on Dexter’s Laboratory, the boy genius Dexter is the central character in the direct center of the series and his annoying non-genius older sister Dee-Dee is only a prominent supporting player, yet on Johnny Test, it is the non genius annoying sibling Johnny who is in front, while the much more interesting characters of the Test Twins are merely supporting players? It almost seems as though Test‘s producers were afraid that networks wouldn’t be interested in buying a series starring a pair of girls, and so they instead put the über annoying Johnny in the center under the belief that “girls are icky!”. Let’s face it, folks, Susan & Mary are the real stars of the show. Test would be boring and horribly generic without them. Without Mary and Susan, there’d be no lab, no crazy inventions/experiments and no Dukey (at least not the intelligent talking version of Dukey). One only has to see the episode “The Quantum of Johnny” to see how badly the show would suck if the Test Twins weren’t there. If the Test Twins were the stars of the show and the supporting cast were their supporting cast, then it could be a great show. I’d much rather see a series centering on Mary & Susan and their lives with no Johnny character present at all. I guess that network executives don’t believe that people would prefer a series about a pair of smarty pants girls instead of a wanna be cool anarchic goof of a boy like Johnny. Well, believe it, suits!