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Talkin’ Nerdy: Six Ridiculous Super Powers

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One of the main things that defines a super hero are his/her super powers. Of course, at the top of the super hero food chain you have the likes of Superman, who basically set the standards which other Capes are based on. Supes is basically a Swiss Army Knife of super powers. He has super strength, super speed, heat vision, invulnerability, ice breath. Pretty much all the hits.

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“Don’t mess with the ‘S’!”

…And then there are some super heroes whose powers, shall we say, come up a little short?  I know that every super hero can’t be Superman, Wolverine, Batman or Silver Surfer, but there are some super heroes who clearly showed up late to the party and were forced to get the leftover powers. Today, I’m going to look at some of my picks for Most Ridiculous Super Powers. Before we start, let me say that I’m not limiting my choices to only one studio, and also, these choices aren’t in any particular order, so I won’t be numbering them. That said…

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“Here we go!”

Let’s start with this guy, Evan Daniels, aka, Spyke from X-Men: Evolution (I agree with what Eric Rodriguez, aka, The Blockbuster Buster said: XME was an OK show, if you can get pass all of the high school BS). His mutant power is the ability to produce bony spikes from his body and then toss said spikes as projectiles.

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You’ll want this kid around if you ever get a piece of food stuck in your teeth.

I didn’t have a problem with the character. I didn’t mind that he was changed from being a Morolck (like he was in the comics) to being Storm’s nephew (I don’t know how an orphan from Cairo somehow got an American born sister, but whatever). I didn’t even mind his blond flattop hair style, even if it made him look like Sisqo, but let’s be real here; Spyke’s mutant power is stupid. I used to think that Shadowcat’s power was bad, but a colleague showed me that her phasing power was indeed useful, and I saw the light. I’ll even give Legion of Super Heroes’ Bouncing Boy a pass, but Spyke’s power? No, just no.  Even Malcolm Ray’s super power of turning everything into a video game sprite in the Nostalgia Critic’s Fan4stic review was better than Spyke’s power and that was intentionally silly. Of all the mutant powers the shows’ producers could have given him, why did the shows’ only African American teen mutant have to be saddled with the stupidest power on the whole bleeping show!? And have him be forced to spout out lines like this:

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“Dude! I almost toothpicked ya!”

Listen, XME writers. I know that you really wanted that line to be cool, and it probably sounded cool in your collective heads, but it was lame. And then to add insult to injury, in XME’s third season, Spyke’s power mutated even further by extending to most of his body, forcing him to live underground along with the Morlocks.

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Great. Now he looks like an armadillo, and it’s still stupid!

Spyke’s power is just dumb. The firing spikes is lame. It’s always been lame, and it’s always going to be be lame. Sorry, XME writers, but it just isn’t possible to make Spyke’s mutant power cool. It’s like trying to make Plaid Lad cool; it can’t be done.

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“I WILL make your sport jacket tacky!”

Interestingly, Spyke’s role within the main cast was originally going to be occupied by Bobby Drake, aka, Iceman, but he was replaced by Spyke at the last minute because XME’s producers didn’t want all of the main X-Teens on the show to be white. (Technically, Nightcrawler was blue, but you get my meaning.) That’s a reasonable request, but if the producers wanted an African-American on the team and they didn’t want to make Storm into a teenager, why didn’t they just make Bobby black? There’s no part in Iceman’s backstory and mythos that states that he has to be a Caucasian. No, Bobby wasn’t black in the original  comics, but neither was Nick Fury. If Nick Fury can go from being Caucasian to African American without anybody going nuts, I’m sure that fans would be OK with an African American Iceman. And the kids the show was aimed at have never read the original comics, so they wouldn’t have cared.

Next we come to this guy. Another X-Men character known as Forearm. See if you can guess what his super power is.

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Let’s give him a hand!

Forearm is called that because (wait for it!) he has FOUR ARMS! Woo! Unless you’re Goro from Mortal Kombat, just having extra appendages isn’t a cool power. For one thing, it’s impossible to do jumping jacks.

Speaking of arms, we now come to Arm Fall Off Boy from DC’s Legion of Super Heroes.

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This guy’s power is that he can detach his arms and toss them as projectiles. One thing that I’ve always wondered is after he takes off one of his arms, how does he remove the other one? And how does he get his detached arms back on?

Next, we come to another Legion of Super Heroes member: Matter Eater Lad, who has the power to eat through any and every substance.

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“Watch out, evil doers! I skipped lunch and I’m hungry for justice!”

Guys, there’s just no way to make eating seem like a cool power. Let’s face it. Unless you’re Pac Man, it just doesn’t cut it.

Finally,  we come to a somewhat obscure choice; Ethan from Disney’s 2005 movie Sky High (played by DJ Daniels).

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Now I realize that all of the sidekicks in Sky High were intentionally given lame super powers, hence their underdog status, but Ethan’s super power somehow managed to be even more of a joke than those of the other sidekicks. His one power was being able to transform into a puddle of goo. Aside from having the bad guy slip on you and break his back, this power is completely useless. a little advice: if your looking for inspiration for a cool, unique super power, you might not want to draw inspiration from the Action League Now! character Meltman…

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…with the power to….MELT!!!

Cartoon Country: Early Impressions of “DC Super Hero Girls”

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Back in April, Twinsanity did a Peeks on the DC Super Hero Girls initiative, a new franchise devoted to ‘girl power’ and female empowerment, which just got under way this fall. Now that we’ve seen some of it, I figured I’d give you all my early thoughts on what we’ve seen so far. I’ll let the web series explain the premise so I don’t have to:

 

And here’s the first webisode (there’s also a full song version of that “Get Your Cape On” number, but I’ll spare you that):

 

OK, now for my rambling thoughts:

  • Of the 7 characters DC has designated to be the lead characters here (Wonder Woman, Batgirl, Supergirl, Harley Quinn, Bumblebee, Poison Ivy and Katana), I admit that I’m only really interested in 3 of them: Wondy, Babs and Kara. I’m not an avid comic book reader (most of my comic book superhero knowledge comes from TV and movie adaptations, internet research, fan sites and general nerd osmosis) so I admittedly don’t know much about Katana, and frankly, what (admittedly little) I’ve seen of her here isn’t leaving me hungry for more. Katana just seems to be kind of, there, like window dressing that you don’t really notice. I’ve never been a big Poison Ivy fan (I like Ivy’s design here, but that’s about as deep as my enthusiasm for the character gets) and I’m already a little tired of Harley Quinn. The latter’s a shame, since I’ve been on kind of a pro-clown kick lately and so I wanted to like Harley more, but even more so than Madeline Hatter from Ever After High, this version of Harley just reminds me way too much of Pinkie Pie, and the Pink One is best taken in small doses for me. Harley could easily become annoying if overdone, and I really hope that doesn’t happen here. As for Bumblebee, eh, I’m just not feeling her. Bee is basically just DC’s equivalent to Marvel’s Wasp, and like Wasp I’ve always found her powers, well, silly. Shrinking and bee-blasts, whoop-de-smegging-doo. Plus, I wish the artists had stuck with Bumblebee’s Afro-Puffs; I don’t know what that brown and gold thing on her head is supposed to be. I’ve said this before, but if DC just wanted an African-American face among the crowd, I personally would gone with Vixen.
  • The Good: the characters and art style look very nice. The bright colors, soft hues and tones are decent. The characters look like living dolls, which isn’t surprising, given that this series is meant to promote a doll line. The Not-So-Good: its’ principle setting is a high school…again.

 

I get that this is aimed at kids, I get that the obvious inspiration from Monster High is obvious, and I also understand that the producers needed some way to bring all of these characters together, but come on. Apart from Harry Potter, UBOS, Monster High, Ever After High and Star Dreamers, the use of high school as a principle setting is beyond tired. I hated, Hated, HATED school as a kid, so the last thing I wanted to see when I came home and switched on the tube was a bunch of shows about kids going to school. I probably would have just made Wonder Woman, Supergirl and Batgirl roommates in a high-tech clubhouse or something, but that’s just me.

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“Can someone think outside the friggin’ box?!”

-That said, I do like some of the fun the writers seem to be having with the concept, like the numerous cameos (Miss Martian, Cyborg and Starfire, cool!), Amanda Waller as Principal and Gorilla Grodd as Vice-Principal. VP Grodd reminds me of Beast from X-Men. I also like how none of the students and teachers are avowedly villainous; everyone is basically gray here. This series’ idyllic take on Metropolis as this beautiful place where Supers and Normals peacefully co-exist appeals to me, I hope we get to see more of it outside of the school walls.

  • I like how Superman and Batman are decorated alums who have already graduated from Super Hero High. Makes sense, since few people would pay much attention to Batgirl and Supergirl if BatMAN and SuperMAN were around. I still find it a tad strange that DC went with Wonder Woman rather than Wonder Girl, though I understand why:

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Wonder Woman is THE most popular and well-known super-heroine in the DC Universe, and as such DC likely figures that a) it would be insane to not include her as one of the main characters, and b) Wonder Woman will sell more dolls off the shelves than Wonder Girl would. After all…

 

 

And now, some of the web shorts (so far), and my thoughts on them:

-As previously stated, I feel the high school setting has been done to death, but the edifice geek in me does like the design of Super Hero High.

-The “She’s shy” bit with Miss Martian was cuter than the button on a teddy bear’s nose. I hope we get to see more of the alien students in future shorts, hopefully they’ll finally get some dialogue.

-Greg Cipes returns to voice Beast Boy. Nice. I know he’s not a girl, but I’d like to see more of him here, so long as he’s not portrayed as a moron like he was in the 2003 series.

-OK, so Babs is hiding her super identity here…why? I was under the impression that everybody could just be who (and what) they are here. I’m sure this’ll be addressed later on.

More Wondy/Harley shtick. Blah blah blee blah. Not much to see here, let’s move on.

OK, writers, can we spotlight some other characters besides Wonder Woman and Harley Quinn now? When do we get to see Barbara as Batgirl? When is Supergirl going to show up? And was that really how the short ends? But hey, at least we get Tom Kenny as Crazy Quilt.

Kind of odd that no one caught on to the fact that Cheetah was sabotaging Wonder Woman there; kind of flies in the face of the producers’ claim that DCSHG would have “no mean girls or mean girl cliques”. However, anything that features the talents of Maurice LaMarche is worth watching.

-These latter 2 shorts bring to mind another nitpick I have with these shorts: they don’t seem to have logical satisfying endings. They don’t end so much as they just…stop. It’s not because they’re just webisodes, shows like Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse manage to fit in a lot of jokes, character and story in just 3 to 5 minutes, so it’s not like such a feat is impossible. This bring me to another nitpick: these shorts aren’t as funny as they could be. They’re not unfunny, but the writers could be pushing the zany envelope a lot further than they have been so far. Again, I get that these are made for young girls and all, but they’re too restrained. Maybe I came in with the wrong expectations, but I was expecting something like a girl-centric Super Hero Squad Show.

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Now that’s comedy!

I have no problem with the shorts being comedy focused over action, but if you’re gonna do that, be funny! Don’t hold back.

My overall rating (so far):

Meh

I don’t hate DC Super Hero Girls by any stretch, but it’s not exactly wowing me either. Of course, things are still very early; the producers have said that they already have about 20 or so episodes in the can and are said to be working on more. Maybe the show will find its’ legs and improve as it goes on, here’s hoping. This is an ambitious undertaking, I’d hate to see it go bust.

 

 

 

Beyond the Background: Clay, the Neglected Xiaolin Dragon

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Today, Beyond the Background ventures into the realm of Kids’ WB!’s Xiaolin Showdown.

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From 2003 to 2006, Xiaolin Showdown reigned on Kids’ WB!, with nothing afterward (Xiaolin Chronicles doesn’t exist; I don’t know what you’re talking about), accruing many loyal fans along the way. The 4 young Xiaolin Dragons traveled the globe in search of the legendary Sheng Gong Wu and facing off against such instantly recognizable, memorable and unforgettable foes as…

Pandabubba

Panda-Dude!

Katnappe

Cat-Chick!

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This Guy!

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and Him! (Yup, totally memorable.)

3 of the 4 Xiaolin Dragons became popular and fan-favorites: Omi, the monk Dragon of Water, was the face of the franchise (literally, his head graced the title’s logo); Raimundo the Brazilian Dragon of Wind was the voice of SpongeBob and the Mayor of Townsville himself, Tom Kenny, and even got made into team leader by the series’ end; Kimiko the rich Japanese Dragon of Fire was distinctive for being the only female Dragon and of course for her many, many, many different hairstyles and outfits (which Jason has already covered in My Ever Changing Clothes), but for all of the hype and fan art the other Dragons enjoyed (heck, as far as fan artists were concerned, Rai and Kimi might as well have had ‘PLEASE SHIP US!” tattooed on their foreheads), one Dragon always seems to get left out of the fan-love, that Dragon being the subject of today’s Beyond the Background, Kung Fu Cowboy Clay Bailey.

"Howdy, pardners!"

“Howdy, pardners!”

Clay is the Cyborg from Teen Titans of Xiaolin Showdown; why does he receive so little love from fans? I’ve always thought Clay was cool. Let’s examine what makes this feller unique:

Clay Bailey was the Xiaolin Dragon of the Earth. He fought evil to collect the magical Shen Gong Wu with the other Xiaolin warriors. His Wudai Weapon was the Big Bang Meteorang and his Wudai power was Wudai Crater. He was able to use his elemental powers with the Fist of Tebigong and the Third-Arm Sash.

Clay was from Texas as a cowboy and worked on a ranch, being raised by his parents along side his sister, Jesse. He later traveled back for the Star Hanabi. He had not initially known that the Star Hanabi was his father’s lone star. After Dojo told them that it was the Star Hanabi, he needed to get it from him but he couldn’t go back with his friends to the temple or the Star Hanabi until he proved he was a man.

Clay was very mellow and patient, and did not get ruffled easily. He’s kind, heroic, friendly, chivalrous and gentlemanly. He has the biggest heart of all the monks and probably gets into the least fights. There are few things that will make Clay angry, some being taking or messing with his hat, or harming his friends. Clay was also very honorable, trustworthy and chivalrous, and was somewhat old-fashioned in his ways. Clay used Tai Chi, referred to as “Old Man Kung Fu” by Raimundo. In his very first Xiaolin Showdown, Kimiko, Raimundo, and Omi did not have any faith in Clay winning against their nemesis, Jack Spicer, because of his patient maner and characteristics of his element. But Clay proved the other Monks wrong by using sunflower seeds to attract the bird in the showdown instead of aggressively attacking and harming the bird.

Clay, naturally, was also the strongest of the Dragons in training. Clay could often think of creative solutions to problems, and his patience was valuable to the other Monks. He always had a way to find the light of every bad situation. He took on the “big brother” role of the team, always protecting and caring for the other Monks. He was also a big eater, his first loyalty being to any food he laid his eyes on, particularly pork chops.

-On top of all that, the dude’s a Kung Fu Cowboy. That alone is noteworthy. It’s a perfect meshing of awesome things from both the West and the East. That’s totally new and has never been done before.

-OK, it hasn’t been done that many times before, but it’s still pretty cool, and so is Clay in my book.

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Ride on, Kung Fu Cowpoke, Ride On.

Player Two Start!: A Salute to Sunset Riders

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On this installment of Player Two Start, I’ll be paying tribute to a much liked but mostly forgotten title; Konami’s Sunset Riders.

Sunset Riders

Sunset Riders is a side-scrolling run-and-gun style shoot-’em-up released by Konami as a coin-operated video game in 1991. The game is set during the American Old West, where the player takes control of a bounty hunter who is seeking the rewards offered for various criminals. The coin-op version was released in two variants: a 2-player version and a 4-player version. Home versions of Sunset Riders were released for the Sega Mega Drive (Genesis) in 1992 and for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in 1993.

My first exposure to this game was when I saw it my local bowling alley. I watched 2 people go through the game. One reason why this game interested me was that there weren’t many games video games focusing on American Wild West Cowboys.

“Yippee-Yi-Yo-Cow-Yea! And other bad cattle puns!”

Yeah, I know these guys had a video game too, but Sunset Riders came first and I’ve never actually played the Moo Mesa game.

The game, which is set in a fanciful version of the American Old West, revolves around four bounty hunters named Steve, Billy, Bob, and Cormano who are out to claim rewards given for eliminating the most wanted outlaws in the West. At the beginning of each stage the player is shown a wanted poster, showing the criminal, the reward for stopping them, and the line “Wanted dead or alive”.

Sunset Riders Select Screen

The criminals had names like Simon Greedwell, Hawkeye Hank Hatfield, El Greco and Paco Loco. One thing that I especially liked about this game was the soundtrack. Enjoy these Western jams:

All right! Pass me a beer (root, that is)!

Two years after the arcade game came out, I bought the home version for the Super NES. We rented the Sega Genesis version once…only once. Neither the SNES nor the Genesis version of Sunset Riders were 100% translations of the arcade game, but the SNES version was the better of the 2. Out of the four main characters from the arcade game, only Billy and Cormano are featured. The two characters in the Genesis version were given surnames that they originally didn’t have in the arcade version (Billy Cool and Cormano Wild). The controls are identical to the arcade version aside from the addition of two shooting buttons instead of just one: one button allows the player to walk and shoot at the same time, while the other shoot button keeps the character still when pressed down, allowing the player to change their aim only. Only four of the eight bosses from the arcade version are featured, and each of the four chapters are divided into two stages. Each boss dialogue is worded in a text bubble instead of voiced. The power-up icons have also been replaced as well. Unlike the other versions, the player can cause a dynamite stick to explode by shooting it. To access the bonus stages, the player must collect a Star-shaped item located in either stage of each chapter. The bonus stages also differ from the ones in the arcade version: the player chases after a moving wagon on a horseback, while the woman in the wagon tosses bonus coins and extra lives at the player’s path. The best thing about the Genesis version was that it had a code where you could give yourself 99 continues.

The SNES version was better (here, all 4 of the main characters were included and playable), but it wasn’t a perfect translation either. a few changes were made for the home version:

  • The barfly that kisses the player character in Stage 1 as well as the saloon dancers from Stage 4 are dressed more conservatively compared to the arcade version.
  • Hunter dogs, which were present in first segment of the final chapter in the Genesis version, were removed.
  • The characters’ dialogue is printed as on screen captions as the characters speak their lines.
  • the Native American enemy characters from Stage 6 were removed and replaced with regular outlaws, leaving only Chief Scalpem (who is renamed Chief Wigwam and re-voiced in the SNES game) as the stage boss.
  • The dynamite tossing female bandits were replaced with male bandits in the SNES port as well.
  • In Stage 1 in the arcade version, when the bounty hunters come out of the saloon, they’re shown taking a swig, but in the SNES version, they just pose. Come on, guys! It’s a saloon! We all know what went on in saloons. Guys weren’t playing marbles in there!
  • While most voice clips are carried over from the arcade, some voice lines are either re-worded or replaced with other less offensive lines for censorship purposes. For example, one of the later end level bosses, El Greco, in the arcade version says to the protagonists “Die, Gringo!” just before the gun fight starts, and then “Adios, amigo!” after he’s defeated. However, in the SNES version, El Greco just says “Adios, amigo!” twice. Another example, in the Smith Brothers saloon in the arcade, one Smith Brother says “We’re gonna blow you away!” and then the other one says “Yeah! Yeah!”, but in the SNES version, only the first brother speaks. Also, after the Brothers are defeated, the first one of them to die says “Holy smoke!”, while the second one before dying says “That was a bang!”, but in the SNES version, the “Holy smoke!” line is taken out. Goodness knows that we can’t show a character using the word “Holy” in a game about bounty hunters and outlaws shooting each other to death.
The PC Police strikes again!

The PC Police strikes again!

One of the great mysteries of the universe is: why did this game never get a sequel, update or a follow-up game? Aero the Acrobat got a sequel. Joe & Mac got a sequel. Chuck Rock got a sequel. Gex got a sequel. Bug got a sequel. Toe Jam & Earl got a sequel. Bubsy got 3 sequels!  If Bubsy and Toe Jam and Earl can get new titles, then why on Earth has no one ever attempted to revive Sunset Riders? Just about everything comes back nostalgically, so perhaps one day someone will decide that it’s time to bring Sunset Riders into the 21st century. Just about everything else from the 1990s is getting revived.

Well, maybe not these guys.

Well, maybe not these guys.

…but until then, let’s offer a salute to Sunset Riders. Maybe I’ll play this game again…if I can ever recover my old NES from whatever forgotten limbo it’s currently floating around in.

SAAAA-LUTE!!!