The Couch: The Universe of Colonel Bleep

Today the Couch takes a look at a forgotten cartoon ‘classic’ from the late 1950’s, Colonel Bleep.

No, that's not a swear. Clean up your minds.

No, that’s not a swear. Clean up your minds.

First, I’ve got to give a shout-out to Greg Sepelak and Trent Troop of The Isle of Rangoon. I had only heard or read things about this show before they started riffing it on their web series. If you haven’t been watching The Isle of Rangoon, start doing so immediately.

For those who don’t know, Colonel Bleep was the first color cartoon ever made for television. It was created by Robert D. Buchanan, and was filmed by Soundac of Miami. (Some sources have Joseph Barbera with a hand in its creation as well, although his contribution was short-lived before he rejoined William Hanna to form Hanna-Barbera.) The show was originally syndicated in 1957 as a segment on Uncle Bill’s TV Club. 104 episodes, of varying length of between three and six minutes each, were produced. Of these episodes, slightly fewer than half are known to survive today.

The show took place on the fictitious Zero Zero Island, where Earth’s equator meets the Greenwich Meridian. (Zero degrees latitude and zero degrees longitude, get it?)  There, Colonel Bleep, a futuristic extraterrestrial life form from the planet Futura, protected Earth with the help of his two deputies. Representing the present day was Squeek (a mute cowboy puppet boy), and representing the past was Scratch, a caveman of great physical strength who was awakened from a sleep of several thousand years by the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, also the same event that triggered Colonel Bleep’s travels to earth. Colonel Bleep, like other Futurans, could manipulate “futomic energy” in a variety of ways; for instance, to propel himself through space (inexplicably, on a unicycle), or as an offensive weapon. The amount of futomic energy Colonel Bleep could absorb at any given time was finite, and in several episodes he runs out of energy and becomes vulnerable.

The trio’s usual nemesis was a dark and mysterious hooded figure called Dr. Destructo, who could typically be found in his flying saucer with only a visible torso. Other regular villains included The Black Knight and Black Patch the space pirate.

“So how come all the bad guys gotta be black?!”

Here’s the first episode:

-Now I know it’s all too easy to simply write Colonel Bleep off as hilariously dated 50’s camp, and yes, it’s science is way off (Scratch being asleep for merely thousands of years and having a pet dinosaur–Bill Nye would have a field day with this show), but while as a modern-day sophisticate (burp!) I can pick the show apart for being unintentionally hilarious–especially with the gregariously over-the-top narrator who sounds like he’s on the verge of busting a vein or how they offer absolutely no explanation as to how or why Squeak is alive (must’ve been radiation, that’s how everything happened in the 50’s), I find some elements of Colonel Bleep to be kind of fun and cool. Believe it or not.

In fact, recently I was thinking what a 21st century update of this show would be like. So now it’s time for your favorite game and mine: FLIP THAT SCRIPT!

To start with, I love the idea of the show’s 3 protagonists representing the past, present (as of the 1950’s anyway) and future, and I’d definitely keep that idea, I’d just make a few tweaks to it here and there. For our future hero, I’d make this character a starry-eyed space girl from a future world.

She's literally starry-eyed!

She’s literally starry-eyed!

The Colonel could manipulate “futomic energy”. Let’s make that a little more toyetic and appealing and call it “space magic”, similar to what Cupcake wielded on Fonz and the Happy Days Gang, a show which Jason chronicled in an earlier Retro Bin.

Jason already covered this, but we never did get an explanation of how this 25th century future chick was able to perform rainbow-beamed magic.

Jason already covered this, but we never did get an explanation of how this 25th century future chick was able to perform rainbow-beamed magic.

“Evolution, baby.”

For the character representing us, Team Present Day, let’s face it: the cowboy puppet thing is a little too 50’s. Let’s make that character a spunky,fun-loving kid. Hello, youth market.

We'll also make her a girl since boy protagonists are a dime a dozen. She could be an orphan so she won't have parents in our time worrying about her zipping through time and space. maybe she and Future Girl could be related, like her extremely distant cousin from a few dozen generations or something.

We’ll also make her a girl since boy protagonists are a dime a dozen. She could be an orphan so she won’t have parents in our time worrying about her zipping through time and space. maybe she and Future Girl could be related, like her extremely distant cousin from a few dozen generations or something.

Finally, let’s cast our past character. How about a wild-acting cave kid with a little sister personality?

Fang_Barbarian

Maybe the others found her during a time travel adventure and decided they wanted a pet.

While we're at it, let's give the cave girl a pet dinosaur for comic relief and to sell a few million more toys. I like a mother-%$#@in' T-Rex. How about you?

While we’re at it, let’s give the cave girl a pet dinosaur for comic relief and to sell a few million more toys. I like a mother-%$#@in’ T-Rex. How about you?

Future Girl and her 2 T.D.B.F.F.s (Time Displaced Best Friends Forever) fly and zip and zoom across the cosmos (with FG using her magical super-highly evolved flying powers–no unicycle, that’s just dorky–while the other 2 hold her hand for dear life), encountering wacky extraterrestrials…

“Nanu-Nanu!”

…Or just hanging out having cool fun in Futura, the World of Next Tuesday After Tomorrow.

Where the TVs broadcast in RHD (Ridiculously High Definition) and ice cream comes in 731 flavors--and counting.

Where the TVs broadcast in RHD (Ridiculously High Definition) and ice cream comes in 731 flavors–and counting.

Time for an apropos musical number. Kick it!

-The only thing I’d dial back on would be the battling evil robots and the like. Why?

“Fighting atomic robots is so 1957, man!”

Talkin’ Nerdy: That’s MY Line!

Remember the Powerpuff Girls short “Schoolhouse Rocked”? That was the one where a truant officer named Mr. Wednesday (an obvious parody of Joe Friday from Dragnet voiced by Gregg Berger) shanghais the Gang Green Gang and places them in Pokey Oaks Kindergarten, the classroom of the Powerpuff Girls, and things go as well as you’d expect. At the end of the short, when Wednesday collects the beaten up Gang at the end of the day, Miss Keane beans Wednesday with a dodge ball, and tells the triumphant Girls that Mr. Wednesday has taught them all a valuable lesson. Bubbles says this:

POWERPUFF_GIRLS_DISC_2A-6

To which Miss Keane replies “No, never turn your back in a dodge ball game!” Cue end-of-episode cartoon laughter.

A funny short, but that line about education didn’t quite work for me. Not the line itself, but who delivered it. Why was Bubbles given that line? It was funny, but it was way too intellectual a thing for Bubbles to say. Blossom is the smart one, the academically advanced one; she should have said that. The writers only gave that line to Bubbles because Bubbles is the fan favorite character. I know this comes off as sour grapes because Blossom is my personal favorite Powerpuff Girl, but it’s not that (well, not entirely); the line just seemed out of character for Bubbles and it seemed like she only got the line due to her popularity with fans and nothing else.

I’ve seen this happen elsewhere: when then President George H.W. Bush gave his now infamous speech about how Americans needed to be “more like The Waltons and less like The Simpsons“, the Simpsons writers naturally responded to this in-episode; they showed the family watching the Bush speech on TV and had Bart say:

“Hey, we’re just like the Waltons. We’re praying for the end of the Depression too.”

Again, a good clever line, but once again it was too clever for a character like Bart to say. To me, that seemed like the perfect Lisa line. She’s the smart one. But Lisa could never crack wise, oh no no no. It’s gotta be Bart, ’cause he’s the one who was adorning T-shirts and bumper stickers all across America.

Yet another example of this occurred during Bugs Bunny’s 50th birthday. Warner Brothers came out with a commemorative magazine celebrating the occasion which featured other cartoon characters paying tribute to Bugs. One of Matt Groening’s contributions was a drawing of the Simpsons all holding up a banner reading “HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY, BUGS!” with Bart adding the pithy comment, “Do you know how much that is in bunny years?” Again, a clever quip, but again, too smart for Bart. I doubt realistically that Bart even knows how much that is in bunny years. That also seemed more appropriate for Lisa to say; even during the characters’ tenure in the Tracey Ullman Show shorts, when both characters were more or less equally bratty, it was always implied that Lisa was the smarter of the two; but by this time the nation was in the grips of Bart-Mania, so he got to say all the clever lines, whether they were suited for him or not.

I guess it’s true what they say:

“There’s no ‘i’ in ‘team’, but there’s 4 ‘i”s in ‘Obvious fan favorite is obvious’.

Cartoon Country: The Powerpuff Girls in “Nuthin’ Special”

In this installment of Cartoon Country, we’ll be looking at a short featured on Cartoon Network’s The Powerpuff Girls titled “Nuthin’ Special”. This is a short that I particularly like because it focuses on my favorite Powerpuff Girl, Buttercup. This short is from PPG’s third season, so by this time it’s already been established that in addition to the collective super powers that all 3 of the girls possess such as super strength, flight, super speed and laser vision, that Blossom has the power of ice breath (which first manifested in the short “Ice Sore” ) and Bubbles has the ability to communicate with animals and easily understand and speak foreign languages. So in this short, PPG’s writers finally address a question that no doubt many of the shows’ fans have also been asking during this time: What’s Buttercup’s individual super power? Does she even have one? Well, that question is finally answered in this short, which I’ll now show in it’s entirety:

Amusing, but here’s the thing, though; Buttercup already had a special power! We saw her fire green energy blasts from her hands all the way back in season 1 in the short “Octi Evil”, and she does this again in season 3’s “Nano of the North”. That could easily have been Buttercup’s special power. One of the things that Buttercup does in this short is engulf herself in green flames that don’t burn her, which we’ve already seen her do in the short “Super Zeroes”. However, in this short, we discover that Blossom and Bubbles can do this too (with their flames being their own colors, pink and blue, respectively), even though they don’t do this in any other episode besides this one. In fact, the girls boast a number of super powers here that they don’t use at any other point in the series, such as the ability to create multiples of themselves and the ability to shrink to tiny size. On that topic,…

“Riddle me this…”

…If the Powerpuff Girls have the ability to shrink, then why did they need Professor Utonium’s machine to shrink them in “Nano of the North”? Anyway, the writers actually acknowledging these details would actually ruin the punch line, and all nitpicks aside, “Nuthin’ Special” is an still an enjoyable short, even if it doesn’t make a lot of sense from an analytical standpoint.

Also, speaking of Buttercup, while the Powerpuff Girls Z anime series wasn’t great, or even good, Buttercup did have a nice design on that show, so there’s that.

I like the hair. It's punk chic!

I like the hair. It’s punk chic!

Talkin’ Nerdy: Shoes Made of Candy

Today’s Talkin’ Nerdy is a rebuttal to a recent article in The Huffington Post by one Joni Edelman, a self-proclaimed “Feminist, body positive, wife, mom of five, Editor In Chief at ravishly.com, (sometimes) and RN”, regarding Disney/Pixar’s feature Inside Out. I’m not going to critique the entirely of Ms. Edelman’s article, which can be found here; I’ll leave that to the rest of Cyber Land, however there are a few key points she made that I feel I must address.

The basic nob of Ms. Edelman’s gist is that she’s more or less slamming Inside Out and refusing to go see it due to what she considers to be “sexism” and “failing at body positivity”. I quote:

“I had no plans on seeing it, really, but now that I’ve read about it and a had a friend confirm my suspicions, I will for sure not ever be seeing it.

No.

Like any good feminist, I object to parts of Snow White (um, Prince rescuing her with a kiss? No). And The Little Mermaid (uh, have fins? Switch for legs? For a man? No). And like any good body-positivity activist, I question why I can’t even take my kids to a movie, for flip’s sake (not that I would, but we’re speaking hypothetically here) without a collective sigh and a real, genuine head shake/eye roll.

I can’t write with any real authority about Inside Out, because I haven’t see the movie, but I’m pretty much 100% positive that seeing the movie isn’t required to make this judgment. Because here’s the thing about movies: They are made of pictures. And visual memory is most reliable than auditory or tactile. That’s right, folks, we remember what we see.”

-Soapboxy-rant articles backed by zero credibility or factual evidence . Fun, fun, fun.

The first interesting thing she says is this:

“Well, the movie is a look inside the mind of an 11-year-old girl named Riley. I’m not sure what we’d expect to see in there, aside from One Direction and the remnants of some forsaken Barbies that now find themselves stored under the bed.”

M’kay. I find it interesting that someone who describes herself as and prides herself on being a feminist and has no problem throwing stones at what she considers to be sexism in popular media is stereotyping her own gender by implying that all 11-year-old girls only care about Barbie dolls and boy bands. That’s kind of an “Open Mouth, Insert Foot” moment there.

Pot Kettle

The second interesting little tidbit is the following:

“Except here’s the problem: What’s apparently in Riley’s mind is a tall, lithe, human-looking girl with a pixie cut named Joy, obviously. Her counterpoint is a short, chunky, sad-and-blue… person (I presume) with an emo haircut, named — you guessed it — Sad.

Sad (the feeling) is often associated with the color blue. Red is often associated with anger, etc. That I get. I don’t get how that happened, and I’m not going to go searching because it’s not that important to my point. Blue is also associated with boys. Which also makes no sense. At all.

Color aside… why is she short? Why does she have emo hair? Why is she wearing glasses? Why does she have to wear a turtleneck? Why is she fat, for frack’s sake?

In fact, why have any of these characteristics been assigned to her?

Well. Probably because someone at Pixar thinks fat people are sad. Because they are fat. And how could they be fat and smile? Fat people have some nerve. Also, their poor vision is apparently causing them some distress. Joy doesn’t wear glasses. She probably had Lasik. Because she is probably also rich. Rich, white (well, white-ish) people are also joyous. And she gets to wear a cute little dress, which she probably bought at Nordstrom, while Sad is shrouded in what is probably an itchy-ass thrifted wool sweater. Maybe that’s why she’s named Sad.

I don’t even like turtlenecks.

Don’t get all “Oh, she’s a grouchy fat lady,” on me. This is real.”

How About No

Like, wow, man. You didn’t just miss the point, you drove right past the point and crashed headlong into a completely separate turnpike.

Let’s a take a moment to examine the character designs of each of the movie’s emotional protagonists, shall we?

According to Pixar, Joy was modeled after a star: slim, pointy and bright. She even glows. This is because she's the star of Riley's head and the leader of her emotions. her look has nothing to do with her being rich or whatever. She's a freaking EMOTION. They all reside together inside a kid's head.

According to Pixar, Joy was modeled after a star: shiny, yellow, slim, pointy and bright. She even glows. This is because she’s the star of Riley’s head and the leader of her emotions. Her look has nothing to do with her being rich or having Lasik or whatever. She’s a freaking EMOTION. They all reside together inside a kid’s head. Emotions don’t get paid.

Anger

Anger is modeled after a brick: short, red and blunt. And obviously red is the color commonly associated with rage.

Disgust is prominently colored green because it's the color broccoli, which many kids and ironically even Disgust herself, finds disgusting.

Disgust is prominently colored green because it’s the color of broccoli, which many kids and ironically even Disgust herself, finds disgusting.

Fear's design is made to resemble a frayed nerve, tying into his Nervous Norvus persona.

Fear’s design is made to resemble a frayed nerve, tying into his Nervous Norvus persona.

And finally, we come to Sadness (BTW, Ms. Edelman, her character name is Sadness, not Sad. If you’re going to rant about stuff like this, at least try to get the facts straight). You ask “Why is Sadness short and fat? Why does she have emo hair? Why does she wear a turtleneck?” Here’s your answer:

Sadness

It’s because she’s supposed to resemble a teardrop. Yes, a teardrop. Pretty simple to understand, really.

Honestly, why are you expecting the personification of freaking SADNESS to look like a sexy supermodel? Her being colored blue has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with association with boys; she’s blue because blue is often associated with sadness (as in “I’m feeling blue”, ever heard that?). Colors can mean more than one thing, you know. In the case of all of the emotions, their forms accord with their functions and roles within Riley’s mind. Sadness’ glasses are most likely a nod to actress Phyllis Smith, who voices the character, but I’m guessing you don’t know who that is; you probably refuse to watch The Office because the women on the show don’t make as much as the men. And let me clue you in on a little something, you might want to sit down for this one: how Sadness looks has no bearing on how she functions as a character. The character you described as being “fat, poor and emo looking” is in fact one of THE stars of the film and a very integral part of how things work (and ultimately work out) in Riley’s head. The message of the film is that ALL emotions are important and needed for us to grow and survive as people, even the negative ones. The other emotions initially try to keep Sadness away from the control center because Joy makes it her mission to keep Riley happy all the time, only for them all to realize that humans can’t be happy all the time, that Sadness is just as necessary to deal with some situations as the other emotions are. And getting back to Riley for a second, she is NOT obsessed with boy bands and Barbie; she likes to play hockey and goof around. The reason she’s so conflicted in the film is bcause her family is transplanted from Minnesota to San Francisco and she misses her old home and friends. It has nothing to with dolls or boys. It has to do with growing up and accepting life changes. This is something you would know if you had actually bothered to go see the damn movie!

Sorry to get so fired up, folks, but I have a low tolerance for ignorance and this article was just so misguided. This lady shoves her foot in her mouth so much I swear she must wear shoes made of candy. I’m just as opposed to sexism in media as Ms. Edelman claims to be, but Inside Out is NOT sexist. By decrying the movie so harshly without having even seen it, she is almost literally judging a book by its’ cover. Ms. Edelman is making a ton of pat assumptions based on half-projected biases and pre-conceptions, and we all know what happens when you ASSUME….

Heh-heh. Now here's Roy.

Heh-heh. Now here’s Roy.

2 Funny: Ice Skating with Kaptain Kool & the Kongs

Remember The Krofft Supershow? Of course you don’t. For those who don’t (and the 2 of you who do), The Krofft Supershow was a SatAM compilation of shows from Sid & Marty Krofft (of H.R. Pufenstuff fame), hosting by faux glam-rock band Kaptain Kool & the Kongs (Superchick, Turkey, Nashville and Flatbush) who performed songs and jokey-joke skits between the rotating segments. Today we present…one of them. Enjoy “Ice Skating”.

I guess the ice really was too slick,  Rick.