Tag superheroes

Cartoon Country: Superhero City – A Visitor’s Guide

silverstar 1 Comment

Inspired by Jason (Goldstar)’s recent Cartoon Country on The Super Hero Squad Show, I’ve decided to pay homage to one of my personal favorite aspects of SHS, its’ setting of Superhero City.

First, let’s get the boring expository stuff out of the way:

  1. Although this article was indeed inspired by the Superhero City on Super Hero Squad, the setting depicted in this article is not the same Superhero City from that show, but rather a different Superhero City which I made up, though the name’s the same. I really like the name Superhero City and I couldn’t think of a better one, so I’m not changing it. Our site, our rules.
  2. As a superhero/sci-fi geek, I enjoy things from both Marvel and DC, so my Superhero City will incorporate characters, references and allusions to both companies. Think of it as an alternate universe where both DC and Marvel characters coexist but legal and copyright restrictions don’t. Now that we’ve established that…
Let the tour begin!

Let the tour begin!

Future_city_too_by_robertdbrown-d3gq92q

Welcome to Superhero City, an active and thriving metropolis in the West Zone region. It’s big. It’s beautiful. It’s pristine. It’s technologically advanced….

And it's crawling with superheroes! That's why they call it Superhero City, that's how it go its' name.

And it’s crawling with superheroes! That’s why they call it Superhero City, that’s how it got its’ name.

At the center of city in the town square is a giant statue honoring 3 of Superhero City’s most honored and decorated citizens.

Trinty Statue

It is surrounded by the 3 Pillars of Epic Majestic Greatness.

The Steel Pillar, representing the forces of Strength and Power in Superhero City...

The Steel Pillar, representing the forces of Strength and Power in Superhero City…

The Plastic Pillar, representing the forces of Science and Reason in Superhero City...

The Plastic Pillar, representing the forces of Science and Reason in Superhero City…

And the Wooden Pillar, representing the forces of Nature and Spirituality.

And the Wooden Pillar, representing the forces of Nature and Spirituality in Superhero City.

All surrounded by beautiful dancing fountains.

Who came up with this amazing tribute? It sure as heck wasn’t the city’s mayor, former Luchador El Emenopeio.

He got the job 'cause nobody else wanted it, and he runs unopposed every year.

He got the job ’cause nobody else wanted it, and he runs unopposed every year.

Where do all of the city’s enhanced, irradiated, mutated and just plain incredible citizens come from?

Some arrived here from outer space…

“Hello, Meagan!”

“Welcome to Earth! Bonjour, Bienvenidos, and Klatu, Barada, Nikto!”

…Others emigrated here from our sister city, Magix….

Bifrost

A magical floating city in its’ own right, housed atop a large, puffy pink cloud (really!), which hangs and hovers above Superhero City, connected to its’ beach and bay side by the Ever Rainbow, which is always visible even at night and never goes away (hence the name). SHC denizens can only visit Magix when invited by a citizen of Magix, who are the only ones who can make the Rainbow solid, and even then they need to wear a visitors’ badge.

Asgard Night

Magix is part of Superhero City the same way that Alaska and Hawaii are part of the United States. Few non-enchanted individuals have actually seen Magix from the inside, but it is said to be very picturesque and very, very sparkly. Its’ populace is rather private, but they’re OK with being considered part of Superhero City provided the city residents keep themselves pretty much to themselves.

faerieland-2

Magix is home to fairies, wizards, witches, elves, dwarfs, pirates, jesters, royals and monsters. If you want to get yourself a wand or a unicorn or a Pegasus or a Firebird off the black market, this is where you’d want to go.

Here's a rare shot of Magix's countryside, and here's.....

Here’s a rare shot of Magix’s countryside, and here’s…..

“Sorry sweetie, but that’s as far as you go. No cameras beyond this point, by order of the Queen. You’re free to file a formal complaint, as long as you’re OK with getting a lightning bolt up the ass!”

Moving on….

Still more come from the Mad Science capital of the US, Megacorp.

blackpearl

For decades, this company has done a ton of noodling with science and nature and experimenting on living beings, creating numerous cyborgs, human/alien crossbreeds, evolved dinosaurs, beings of living flame, genetically altered clones and atomic supermen, populating the city with many metahumans.

“Oh, what do you expect from us? We’re MAD!”

These days, however, after receiving their 1000th federal injunction (happy anniversary!), Megacorp has since cleaned up their act (as far as we know), and now mainly manufactures a popular brand of soft drink called Pop-Off Proto-Cola.

Proto-Cola. Available in Red, Yellow, Blue, Orange and new White! Proto-Cola. It's deliciously addictive! And perfectly harmless. We swear.

Pop-Off Proto-Cola. Available in Red, Yellow, Blue, Orange and new White! Proto-Cola. It’s deliciously addictive! And perfectly harmless. We swear.

Now, you may be wondering: with so many superhumans residing among them, what have the city’s non-super powered citizens done to cope?

They've become...Gasp!...OK with it!

They’ve become…Gasp!…OK with it!

Yes, believe it or not, an entire sub-culture of Supers living among normal humans has eliminated the need for secret identities and the rest of the populace has simply learned to coexist. In Superhero City, it doesn’t matter if you can fire beams from your eyes, or lift a tank over your head or fly like a comet across the sky…

“Try all of the above!”

It does’t matter if you’re metallic or mystical or interplanetary; in this town, you’re free to be whoever (or whatever) you choose.

Regardless of where you come from, what you look like, what you do or what you're composed of, in Superhero City everyone can let their super-freak flag fly!

Regardless of where you come from, what you look like, what you do or what you’re composed of, in Superhero City everyone can let their super-freak flag fly!

No powers? No problem!

With Mad Science being such an everyday part of life here, it's not uncommon for some folks to be scary smart, possessing massive brain powers in place of super powers, and that's cool too. Superhero City embraces geniuses and budding Mad Scientists, techno-geeks and engineers. Somebody's gotta be able to program our DVRs and smartwatches, after all.

With Mad Science and high-tech being such everyday parts of life here, it’s not uncommon for some folks to be scary smart, possessing massive brain powers in place of super powers, and that’s cool too. Superhero City embraces geniuses and budding Mad Scientists, techno-geeks and engineers. Somebody’s gotta be able to program our DVRs and smartwatches, after all.

Megamind

“Your brain is so BIG!”

To your left, in the upper skyline, you’ll see Makuhero Tower.

Hero Factory Tower Sunrise

…Which is home to gazillionaire scientist Prof. Xena Makuhero and her gifted children Icy, Mondo, Lazer, Angel and Psimon, collectively known as The X-Perts, a family of wealthy, famous, super-powered do-gooders and all around nice people.

Despite living in a high-tech tower, having cool matching monogrammed uniforms, awesome powers and mad skills, and getting invites to all of the Superhero Socials, the Makuheroes are NOT superheroes, but rather are adventurers, researchers, scientists, adventurers and exploerers. Don't feel bad, it's a common mistake, everyone makes it.

Despite living in a high-tech tower, having cool matching monogrammed uniforms, awesome powers and mad skills, and getting invites to all of the Superhero Socials, the Makuheroes are NOT superheroes, but rather are adventurers, researchers, scientists, adventurers and explorers. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common mistake, everyone makes it.

BTW, check out their S.S.S.S.T. (Sweet, Sweet, Super Sonic Transport).

BTW, check out their S.S.S.S.T. (Sweet, Sweet, Super Sonic Transport).

To your right, you’ll spot the Z-Dome.

megatropolis-city-in-the-sky-hrama-8-465x320

Channel_z_ Z _2009

Folks here instantly recognize this logo as the symbol for Superhero City’s animal sanctuary/wildlife preserve, conveniently located in Banzai Gardens Park, known as Zooropa.

Republic City Park

gorilla_city_old

Gorilla_City_001

Zooropa is a haven for the Mutanimals, a sub-species of intelligent talking animals who were originally genetically altered by Megacorp back in the 1960’s (everybody was experimenting with stuff back then) and have since been crossbreeding and growing slowly in numbers as a recognizable portion of the populace.

They're cute, and cartoon writers are fascinated with them.

They’re cute, and cartoon writers are fascinated with them.

While there are still a few curmudgeons who aren’t OK with the idea of Mutaninals living among them…

“Mutanimals! Flobbity-Flee! Back in my day, critters kept their yaps shut and were kept on leashes! That’s the way it was and we LIKED it!”

..Many more have come to accept them just as any other breed of citizen.

In fact, some lucky ones occasionally get adopted by humans to become sidekick pets. They get fame, glory, respect, a cool jet pack and all the kibble they can eat!

In fact, some lucky ones occasionally get adopted by humans to become sidekick pets. They get fame, glory, respect, a cool jet pack and all the kibble they can eat!

Life would be positively copacetic in Superhero City if it weren’t for one thing:

LethalLegion_(Earth-91119)

SUPER-VILLAINS.

These rogues, thugs, punks, freaks, monsters, antagonists and gangsters have all been deported to neighboring Villainville, a bleak, dark, smoking, polluted, toxic slum of dirt and filth–ewww! Villainville is blocked away from Superhero City by a huge wall erected by the Mayor (one of the few genuinely useful things he’s ever signed into action), but once in a while one of these creeps gets ballsy and tries to leap over the wall to go into the city to cause mayhem, but of course they’re usually quickly disposed of and either tossed back over the wall or into the clink, whichever’s more convenient.

“You’d have to be crazy to try and commit a crime in a city full of superheroes, but thankfully we’re crazy, too!”

The Retro Bin: Laff-A-Lympics (1977-1978)

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As you may have noticed by now, Twinsanity generally doesn’t probe too deeply into the careers of Hanna-Barbera’s premier roster of characters like Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Hound, Snagglepuss and the many, many Scooby-Doo clones. This is for 2 reasons: one, they tend to be a tad on the interchangeable side, and two, the H-B studio has provided us with opportunities to discuss several of them at once.

One such example is the subject of today’s Retro Bin, Laff-A-Lympics.

 Laff-A-Lympics was the co-headlining segment, with Scooby-Doo, of the package Saturday morning cartoon series Scooby’s All-Star Laff-A-Lympics, beginning in 1977. The show was a spoof of the Olympics (duh!) and the ABC television series Battle of the Network Stars, which debuted one year earlier. It featured 45 Hanna-Barbera characters organized into the teams (the Scooby Doobies, the Yogi Yahooeys, and the Really Rottens) which would compete each week for gold, silver, and bronze medals. One season of 16 episodes was produced in 1977–78, and eight new episodes combined with reruns for the 1978–79 season as Scooby’s All-Stars. Yes, both incarnations of the show were named after Scooby-Doo; he was pretty much the Kingpin of Saturday morning back in the 70’s.

“Riss my ring, ritches!”

The episodes themselves basically reiterated the same formula: the 3 teams would lock horns in various sporting events, typically taking place in some exotic location. The various team members would employ their special talents, quirks and shticks to win; sometimes they’d work, sometimes they wouldn’t. The ‘bad guy’ team, the Really Rottens, would habitually cheat and suffer the consquences, and at the end, 1 team would emerge victorious with a gold medal, a 2nd would earn the silver and the loser (usually the Rottens) would get stuck with the bronze. Yada yada yada. What made this show special was its’ novelty: it featured no less than 45 H-B stars occupying a single program. That means nothing to anyone born past Generation X, but for a kid in the 70’s, especially one who was a hardcore Hanna-Barbera fan, LAL was the equivalent of giving a kid the keys to a candy store and saying they can go nucking futs, or a horndog let loose in the Playboy Mansion with a License to Grope badge. Here’s the intro:

 

Now, on to the show’s major selling point: the teams and the stars themselves. The “good guy” teams, consisting of the Scooby Doobies and the Yogi Yahooeys, were good friends and their respective team members gladly helped each other whenever they got into a jam. The Really Rottens, however, always cheated and pulled dirty tricks which would ultimately cause them to be the last-place losers in most episodes. Much like Dick Dastardly and Muttley on Wacky Races, typically the Really Rottens would be just on the verge of winning, before they would make a fatal error at the very end that allowed one of the other two teams to end up at the top. Occasionally, though, the Rottens’ cheating technique wouldn’t actually be against the rules, which resulted in them (unlike Dastardly and Muttley) actually winning in a few episodes; there was even one episode where they won through sheer chance. The final event on the show’s final episode, which took place on the moon (!), ended in a 3-way tie.

Each team adhered to a particular ‘theme’ or genre/era of H-B cartoons.

THE YOGI YAHOOEYS

This team was comprised of Hanna-Barbera’s 1950’s through 1960’s television shorts characters. It was the only team made up entirely of anthropomorphic animals. Grape Ape was the only post-1962 character in the line-up. With this team, the challenge wasn’t finding members for it, but narrowing the choices down to just a few!

TEAM ROSTER:

  • Yogi Bear (captain)
  • Boo-Boo Bear
  • Cindy Bear
  • Huckleberry Hound
  • Mr. Jinks
  • Pixie
  • Dixie
  • Wally Gator
  • Quick Draw McGraw (no Baba Looey)
  • Hokey Wolf (no Ding-a-Ling)
  • Snooper
  • Blabber
  • Augie Doggy
  • Doggy Daddy
  • Yakky Doodle
  • Grape Ape

“Oh sure, name your frelling team after one of us but don’t even ask us to be on it! No royalty check, nothin’! We couldn’t even get jobs as water boys! Yeah, that’s fair!”

“You folks are probably wondering why your old pal Beegle Beagle didn’t make it to the Yahooeys team. Well, it turns out I was blacklisted by the Laff-A-Lympics Ethics committee. Geez, you offhandedly mention that you know a guy who can hook your team up with some Happy Win-Time Go-Go Juice injections, and suddenly you’re banned for life!”

“So let me get this straight: the Scooby Doobies had a magic user. The Really Rottens had a magic user. I’m a 60’s era H-B character who’s a magic user, and I don’t get so much as a phone call? What the what?!”

THE SCOOBY DOOBIES

Much like how the Yogis team represented 50’s-60’s era H-B, the Scooby Doobies team had a heavy 1970’s vibe to them. (They were the ‘modern era’ team at the time.) This team drew mainly from the 1970s Hanna-Barbera cartoons, particularly the “mystery-solving/crime busting” series derived from Scooby-Doo, whose titular character served as team captain.

TEAM ROSTER:

  • Scooby-Doo (captain)
  • Norville “Shaggy” Rogers
  • Scooby-Dum (Why? I don’t know)
  • Dynomutt
  • Blue Falcon
  • Captain Caveman
  • Brenda Chance
  • Taffy Dare
  • Dee Dee Skies
  • Babu (from Jeannie)
  • Hong Kong Phooey
  • Speed Buggy
  • Tinker

*Rumor has it that Mark and Debbie from Speed Buggy had fled to get busy in a love nest in Tijuana at the time.

BTW, take a gander at the original lineup for the Scoobies.

Yes, that’s right: the early production art for the series showed Jeannie from the Jeannie series and Melody, Alexander, Alexandra, and Sebastian the Cat from the Josie and the Pussycats series as members of the Scooby Doobies team, but legal problems with Columbia Pictures Television, Screen Gems’ successor, prevented it. Babu from Jeannie made the final cut, as he was an original creation of Hanna-Barbera, but Columbia controlled all rights to Jeannie’s image. As a result, Babu appeared alone as a member of the Scooby Doobies. Likewise, Archie Comics held rights to the Josie characters. In the actual series, Jeannie was replaced by Hong Kong Phooey and the Josie characters were replaced by Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels.

“When we lawyers sink our teeth into something, there’s no letting go!”

“Shafted again, naturally…”

THE REALLY ROTTENS (Boo! Hiss!)

No prizes for guessing, This team is composed of villainous characters. With the exception of Mumbly and the Dalton Brothers, all of the members are original characters, many of whom are based on various characters that appeared in cartoons and comics prior to Laff-A-Lympics. Originally, Muttley and Dick Dastardly were planned as the leaders of the Really Rottens; however, they could not appear on the show due to those characters being co-owned by Heatter-Quigley Productions. In their place, Hanna-Barbera used the existing character Mumbly and created the new character Dread Baron.

“What did I just tell you??”

Prior to Laff-A-Lympics, Mumbly was a heroic detective rather than a villain on his original show. (Turns out he was another cop gone corrupt, just like in Serpico.) Following the character’s revision as the villainous team leader, he remained a villain in Yogi Bear and the Magical Flight of the Spruce Goose, which was also Dread Baron’s only other role. The Dalton Brothers appeared in 1950s and 1960s shorts (including the 1958 short Sheriff Huckleberry Hound, which featured appearances by Dinky, Dirty, and Dastardly Dalton, as well as their other brothers Dangerous, Detestable, Desperate, and Despicable). However, they were given new character designs for the Laff-A-Lympics series. After Laff-A-Lympics, Dinky reappears in The Good, the Bad, and Huckleberry Hound with brothers Stinky (who bears a resemblance to Dastardly Dalton from Laff-A-Lympics), Finky, and Pinky. Mountain-sized Dinky (get it?) was the only mainstay of the Dalton clan.

TEAM ROSTER:

  • Mumbly (captain)
  • Dread Baron (co-captain)
  • The Dalton Brothers (Dinky, Dirty and Dastardly)
  • The Creeply Family (Mr., Mrs. and Junior; loosely based on the Gruesomes from the Flintstones and the J. Mad Scientists from the H-B shorts)
  • Orful Octopus (aka Octo, the Creeplys’ pet)
  • The Great Fondue (villainous magician who seemed to be incapable of performing magic with any sort of accuracy; Similar to Abner K. Dabra from the 1963 book, Yogi Bear and the Cranky Magician)
  • Magic Rabbit (Fondue’s pet, dialogue limited to “Brack!” Bears a resemblance to the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland (or What’s a Nice Kid Like You Doing in a Place Like This?)
  • Daisy Mayhem (or as Goldstar likes to refer to her “Boner Launcher”; mean-spirited hillbilly gal with split ends, Daisy Dukes and bare feet, who bears a resemblance to the Li’l Abner character Moonbeam McSwine)
  • Sooey Pig (Daisy’s pet pig. You can tell he’s rotten because he wears sneakers and an eye patch!)

“What? You recruited a bunch of newbies and doppelgangers instead of me? You could’ve just hired me and all the bad guys from ‘Yogi’s Gang’. There’s your Rottens team right there!”

“I didn’t get a call either? What’s the deal? Just yesterday I was in the park feeding the pigeons…to some alley cats! I’m totally rotten up here!”

Trivia Time:

  • In one season 2 episode, Mumbly is referred to throughout as Muttley.
  • Hong Kong Phooey was originally set to be an official (i.e., referee), but he was added to the Scooby Doobies team roster at the least minute to replace Jeannie (see above).
  • Dick Dastardly and Muttley appear in issue #13 of the Laff-A-Lympics comic book series, “No Laff-A-Lympics Today!”. In the book, Dread is revealed to be Dick Dastardly’s twin brother.
  • In the Latin American dub of Laff-A-Lympics, Dread Baron and Mumbly are called Dick Dastardly and Muttley.

Each episode was presented in a format similar to an Olympic television broadcast, with announcing/voice-over duties handled by an unnamed/unseen Announcer character (see also Wacky Races, Yogi’s Space Race and Fender Bender 500). Hosting duties and commentary were provided by Snagglepuss and Mildew Wolf from the It’s the Wolf! segments of Cattanooga Cats (though unlike It’s the Wolf!, Mildew was not voiced by Paul Lynde; he was here voiced by John Stephenson). Apparently, Lynde had a reputation of being difficult to work with, so HB opted to go with a sound-alike rather than contend with the real deal.

I guess H-B considered Mr. Lynde to be kind of a silly savage.

Also, since the show was airing on ABC, Snagglepuss and Mildew wore the then-traditional yellow jackets of ABC Sports announcers.

Laff-A-Lympics ran for 16 episodes in it’s first season (1977-78) and an additional 8 episodes for its’ second season (1978-79). The series kind of fizzled after that; probably because it was the same basic formula repeated again and again, and also, let’s face it: the show lacked the ‘jiggle factor’ that permeated throughout the series that inspired it, Battle of the Network Stars. Let’s address the elephant in the room…

 These guys don’t have much to offer in the wet T-shirt department.

Talkin’ Nerdy: It’s All Freak to Me

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X-Men

One of Marvel Comics’ most popular and iconic franchise characters are the X-Men. Created in 1963 by writer Stan Lee and artist/co-writer Jack Kirby, and achieving mainstream success in the 1990’s thanks to their successful Saturday morning cartoon show on Fox Kids in the 1990’s, this sub-species of humans who are born with superhuman abilities and who fight for peace and equality between normal humans and mutants in a world where antimutant bigotry is fierce and widespread, are among the most recognizable and lucrative intellectual properties of Marvel Comics, appearing in numerous books, television shows, films, and video games…..

….Just not in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And the cries of a million fanboys can be heard across the cosmos.

Why not, you may ask? It’s because of the ongoing tug-of-war between Disney/Marvel and 20th Century Fox, who currently hold the film rights to the mutants.

Corporate Tug of War

“The X-Men are OURS! We created them! Hand them over! We want to cross them over with the Guardians of the Galaxy!”

-“No, they’re OURS! You gave the rights away! No take-backs! We need the mutants! The Simpsons aren’t funny anymore!”

Fox isn’t about to relinquish the rights to the X-Men Franchise as long as their films are putting butts into seats, but Disney/Marvel wants to use them real bad. They have had to bite their tongues about it so much that their tongues look like a dog’s chew toy. In the first 2 seasons of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., whenever someone would debunk psychics as being fake, what they were really saying was:

“We can’t reference the X-Men because 20th Century Fox still holds the movie rights.”

Unable to utilize the muties for the MCU, Marvel has turned its’ attention to another sub-species of super-powered individuals, The Inhumans.

X THIS!

X THIS!

For those who don’t know, the Inhumans are are a fictional race of superhumans which first appeared in Fantastic Four #45 (December 1965), though members Medusa and Gorgon appeared in earlier issues of that series (#36 and #44, respectively). Their comic book series has usually focused more specifically on the adventures of the Inhuman Royal Family, and many people associate the name “Inhumans” with this particular team of super-powered characters. Their home, the city of Attilan, is described as the home of a race existing alongside of humans that was evolutionarily advanced when human beings were still in the Stone Age.

Since Marvel can’t use the X-Men, they’ve subsequently introduced Inhumans into the the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the second season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and they will also be featured in the film Inhumans, set for release on July 12, 2019.

But wait, there’s more: in the comics, there has recently been a story arc which begins with a Terrigen Bomb (the principal Inhumans were given their special powers due to experimentation with a mutagenic Terrigen Mist — a process known as Terrigenesis) going off and spreading Terrigen Mist all over the place. This mist has begun sterilizing Earth’s existing mutants as well as preventing humans from giving birth to new mutants, basically spelling the extinction of the mutant race, and this same mist has started created new Inhumans in various places, thus effectively making Inhumans the new Mutants. Marvel must be figuring “If WE can’t have the mutants, then NO ONE can!”

“WHAT? Ah finally git muh powers under control so ah can finally go on a date with a fella without puttin’ him in a coma, an’ now they’re tryin’ to wipe us out in favor of Black Bolt’s crew?? Now, don’t that just churn your butter?!”

-Now it’s worth mentioning that mutants have faced near-extinction in the comics before; the Legacy Virus and the House of M storyline, to name only 2 examples, so this whole mess could easily be undone with a corporate meeting and a universe-sweeping retcon, but if Marvel is truly planning to change the rules regarding their super-freaks and remake their mutant population, then I’d like to offer some suggestions of my own. Just some things I’d personally like to see altered regarding the Mutant/Inhuman (or whatever they end up calling them) over at Marvel.

  1. TOO MANY MUTANTS

I don’t think Mutants/Inhumans need to go away, but I definitely feel the mutant herd needs to be thinned out considerably. For a time in the comics, there were so many mutants in the Marvel Universe that not only were there 2 X-Men teams (Blue and Gold), but there were also numerous offshoot mutant teams: X-Force, X-Factor, Excalibur, Generation X, X-Treme, X-Perts, X-Rays, X-Thems, X-YZ, X-Marks The Spot…I’d personally do away with all that and just have one single mutant team. Regarding the Inhumans, I like the idea of all the Mutants/Inhumans all coming from a single bloodline or Royal Family; they could all originally reside in one single citadel before being “discovered” by human beings.

Advanced civilization. Advanced technology. Increased rent.

Advanced civilization. Advanced technology. Increased rent.

I like that idea a lot more than mutants just being random people who keep popping up all over the globe. After all, if every 10th person on the planet is a mutant, then what’s so special about being an X-Man? I’d also give the Mutant/Imhumans a special mark or royal seal that they’d all bear, like a snazzy tattoo:

Like in 'Mortal Kombat Annihilation', only not lame.

Like in ‘Mortal Kombat Annihilation’, only not lame.

It could also be a bar code if you want the mark to be more Mad Science-y. The Inhumans were originally experimented on by the alien Kree, after all.

The seal could also be a bar code on the back of their necks a la “Dark Angel” (for the 2 of you who remember that show) if you want the mark to be more Mad Science-y. The Inhumans were originally experimented on by the alien Kree, after all.

I’d definitely keep the Mutant/Inhuman race small and self-contained and keep the mutations within the same clique of clans.

“Ever’body on Atillan is kin folk, some in 2 or 3 diff’rent ways. Know whut ah mean?”

2. FIVE ON ONE HAND, HALF OF TEN ON THE OTHER.

Come closer, I’d like to share a little secret I have with you all. Ready? Here it is:

-In it’s current dimensions, I think that the X-Men mythos only really works when mutants are the only super-powered beings on the planet; they don’t really work alongside other super heroes.

Homer Scream

T’is true. If you’re really gonna milk the whole “People hate and fear mutants because they’re scared of their powers and worried that they’re gonna take over and turn on humanity, yada yada yada” shtick, then that kind of falls apart once you start adding radioactive spider-men, gamma-radiated green giants, Asgardian gods, serum-augmented super-soldiers, aliens, wizards, and cosmic ray-bombared space explorers into the mix. That then raises questions like “Then don’t people also think Hulk and Spider-Man are mutants?” or “Why don’t people pelt Captain America, the Fantastic Four and the Avengers with rotten fruit?” or “What about Iron Man? How many people are that smart? How do we know that he doesn’t possess an x-gene that increases his intellect tenfold?” To boot, several mutant and non-mutant heroes have the same or similar powers. For example, this is Crystal of Atillan.

She can psionically control the forces of air, earth, fire and water, i.e., controlling the elements.

She can psionically control the forces of air, earth, fire and water, i.e., controlling the elements.

And this is Storm of the X-Men.

She can mentally command and control the forces of wind, rain, thunder and lighting. A mistress of controlling the elements.

She can mentally command and control the forces of wind, rain, thunder and lighting, i.e.,  controlling the elements.

-See the problem here?

I say if you’re going to place Mutants/Inhumans alongside other costumed heroes, then you have to make them in some way unique from the other capes.

Here’s my idea: I would establish that the mutants of Atillan would have been exposed to four varieties of Terrigen Mist: yellow, red, green and blue, each one creating 1 of 4 specific varieties of Mutant, inspired by the syndicated series Mutant X. (Bonus points to anyone who saw that show.)

You'd have FERALS, mutants exposed to yellow mist who possess both human and animal DNA: canines, felines, birds, reptiles, amphibians, etc.

You’d have FERALS, mutants exposed to yellow mist who possess both human and animal DNA: canines, felines, birds, reptiles, amphibians, etc.

“FERALS RULE!!”

“Dino Power! AHH!”

ELEMENTALS, mutants exposed to the green mist, who can manipulate nature: pyrokinietics, cryokinetics, electrokinietics, all the kinetics.

ELEMENTALS, mutants exposed to the green mist, who can manipulate nature: pyrokinietics, cryokinetics, electrokinietics, all the kinetics.

MOLECULARS, mutants exposed to the red mist, who can alter their physical forms and/or defy physical science, i.e., speedsters, shape-shifters, teleporters, etc.

MOLECULARS, mutants exposed to the red mist, who can alter their physical forms and/or defy physical science, i.e., speedsters, shape-shifters, teleporters, etc.

And PSIONICS, mutants exposed to the blue mist. Those would be your telepaths, telekinetics, telempaths, precognitives, intiuitives, technopaths, technokinetics, and New Age nuts.

And PSIONICS, mutants exposed to the blue mist. Those would be your telepaths, telekinetics, telempaths, precognitives, intiuitives, technopaths, technokinetics, and New Age nuts.

And Marvel would have to be strict with themselves; the Mutant/Inhumans could only possess power sets in one of these 4 categories or some combination thereof, and no other heroes in the Marvel Universe could possess these same abilities. Heck, why not give the Inhumans unusual-colored skin while we’re at it?

“Rainbow Power, suckas!”

This way, combined with the tattoo thing I mentioned earlier, would be a way to effectively distinguish mutants from all the other caped heroes in the MU.

“Alls I’m sayin’ is you put a mutant an’ a mutate next to each other, an’ I can’t tell ’em apart!”

3. CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

This is the other major thing that’s always bugged me about the X-Men mythos: look, the X-Men have been fighting the good fight since 1963. It’s been 52 years already; shouldn’t mutant/human relations have improved some by now? Even a little? Mutants still have to live in secrecy and can’t walk the streets without getting rotten egged, despite them saving the world countless times. I get that the writers want to keep the angst factor up because they think that’ll sell more books, but that whole things makes no sense. A fellow poster on the interwebz explained it to me once: “Think of it like there’s a cop or a fireman who’s really good at his job and dedicated to helping and protecting to their community, but he/she also happens to be gay or a Muslim. Even though this person does nothing but good for the community and always puts the needs of other people before his/herself, there are still those who don’t trust this person due to their being Muslim or gay or whatever.” I get that, but that theory falls apart because in the Marvel universe, no one would let a mutant be a cop or a fireman in the first place. If it were me, I’d have humans for the most part learn to co-exist with mutants. Sure, there’d still be bigots who wouldn’t trust them and bad muties who want to take over, but for the most part, humans and mutants would be able to peacefully live alongside of one another with few difficulties. It’d be like on The Super Hero Squad Show; yes, I’m drawing inspiration from a parody kids’ cartoon.

-That’s what I’d do, anyway. I do feel that there should be some form of mutants in the MCU, as they represent something which no other comic book superheroes represent: the nature and stupidity of prejudice. Everyone has felt isolated from society in some way, shape or form, be they black, white, Latino, Jewish, Muslim, LGBT or whatever, and X-Men speaks to that. So I’m sure there will always be some form of mutants in Marvel, even with some alterations made to them, and with different names and identities.

“‘Cept for me, bub! Mutant, Inhuman, potato, po-tah-to. As long as I’m bein’ worshiped by the fanboys and keep on eatin’, sweatin’ and bleedin’ money fer Marvel, the Ol’ Canuckle Head ain’t goin’ anywhere! The fans would chew their own arms off ta see me in the next Avengers movie!”

Talkin’ Nerdy: Hydro Heroes Unite!

silverstar 3 Comments
Fire.
Earth.
Air.
Air symbol
Weak Sauce.
Really? Well, if you go by the jokes, riffs and barbs of comedians and cartoon writers, you’d think so. Take the scion of Atlantis, Aquaman:
Aquaman
 “Yeah, I’ve done plenty of sighin’ in Atlantis too.”
****************************************************************************
Here it is, 2013, and still the only way stand-up comics and the writers of Robot Chicken can think of to make Aquaman funny is to chortle, “Hur-hur. Aquaman’s lame. He’s a pansy who can’t fight, and his only superpower is talking to fish.” Seriously? The character has gone through numerous revamps and reboots, and people are still harping on the “Aquaman is useless” trope?? I get that many people base their opinion on Aquaman on the way he was portrayed on the old Super Friends TV show, where they downplayed his super-strength since they wanted Superman to be known as the strong one, and of course BS&P wouldn’t allow his to brandish his trident because they apparently were worried about kids on the playground stabbing each other with tridents, and of course, NO Super Friend could ever be shown punching anyone who could bruise, bleed or punch back. But come on, Super Friends was 40 years ago. Get current. Learn a new tune, already!
FTR, here’s a list of Aquaman’s current abilities:

Aquaman’s most widely recognized power is the telepathic ability to communicate with marine life, which he can summon from great distances. Although this power is most often and most easily used on marine life, Aquaman has at times demonstrated the ability to affect any being that lives upon the sea (e.g., sea eagles), or even any being evolved from marine life (e.g., humans). As per the 2011 DC continuity reboot, Aquaman’s telepathy has been greatly downplayed: acknowledging that most marine life doesn’t possess enough intelligence to carry a meaningful telepathic communication, Aquaman is now stated to simply add compulsions and needs in the mindset of aquatic life, compelling them to do his bidding by a subtle altering of their midbrain.

Aquaman has a number of superhuman powers, most of which derive from the fact that he is adapted to live in the depths of the ocean. He has the ability to breathe underwater. He possesses superhuman durability high enough to remain unaffected by the immense pressure and the cold temperature of the ocean depths, this also makes him tough enough to be invulnerable to machine gun fire. He also possesses superhuman strength. He can swim at very high speeds, capable of reaching speeds of 10,000 feet per second and can swim up Niagara Falls. He can see in near total darkness and has enhanced hearing granting limited sonar.

However, one point of interest regarding the Aquaman rhetoric can be found in the form of Aquaman’s sidekicks, the Aqualads, Garth (Tempest) and Kaldur’ahm.

In addition to possessing the usual string of Atlantean abilities, these stud-muffins can also perform acts of aquatic sorcery: making water constructs and weapons, forming water into ice and gaseous forms, etc. This begs the question: why didn’t DC just give all Atlanteans hydrokinetic powers from the get-go? If Aquaman and the other Atlanteans were water-based sorcerers, there may never have been the string of “Aquaman is lame” jokes.

Let’s move on to another water-based superhero who has received more than his fair share of abuse from comedians and cartoon writers: Zan of the Wonder Twins.

“Hello, ladies!”
***************

Like Aquaman, this guy has been the butt of jokes for decades now. The typical mode of thinking is, “Jayna’s power is cool since she can turn into animals, but Zan’s power is lame because he just turns into water”. Even the Twins’ parent company makes fun of Zan:

Come on, now. Are we all really that short-sighted? Let’s explore the true nature and extent of Zan’s power, shall we?

Zan can transform into water at any state (solid, liquid, gas) and add to his mass by incorporating water in his immediate area. In the case of becoming solid ice, he can also become any form he chooses, from a 5,000 foot humanoid ice giant to a cage for a criminal to complex machinery (such as a jet engine, as he did in the episode “Eruption”). He changes into a gelatinous form at one point. On another occasion, he transformed into liquid nitrogen. In addition, he can transform himself into atmospheric disturbances (usually very localized) involving water, such as a blizzard, a monsoon, waterspout or a typhoon. In the comics, the Twins’ powers were more extensive and Zan could transform into things like ice monsters, hurricanes and demonic looking sentient whirlpools. Beaten by a sponge? I think not.

There are no useless characters; only writers who don’t or can’t think of formidable or creative ways to use them. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Zan’s power. He just needs to be under the supervision of someone who can properly utilize it. Water can be unyielding, imposing and even deadly. The moon’s gravitational pull is controlled by the tides, lest we forget. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention this water-wielder:

Katara

“Any moron with 2 working eyes can see that I’m not white. Got that, M. Night Shaymalan?”
 *****************************************************
Nobody’s calling her useless, are they? So don’t hate. Appreciate. Water powered heroes rock!
“Yeah. That means I’M cool too!”
Uh, no, dude. You’re just a big, dumb mutant fish.

The Retro Bin: The Super Globetrotters (1979)

silverstar 2 Comments

Hello and welcome to a new segment on Twinsanity titled The Retro Bin, where we unearth a forgotten show from Toon Town’s past, examine it and basically tear it a new one. Today, we’ll be looking at a Hanna-Barbera “classic” from 1979, The Super Globetrotters.

Look! Down on the court! Is it the 1992 Dream Team? Is it the NBA Hoop Troop?? NO! It’s the Super Globetrotters!!!
 
First, the obligatory history lesson: in 1970 the world-famous Jesters of Dunk were given a Saturday morning cartoon series from Hanna-Barbera Studios in which they would travel the world having wacky adventures. Not content to rest on their laurels, HB gave the Trotters another series, this time adding a new twist: figuring that just having the Harlem Globetrotters in a SatAM cartoon wasn’t enough, HB decided to take the concept one step further and make the Globies superheroes who transform into their super-selves by running into magic lockers. (We are not making this up.) The Trotters of Tomorrow were an eclectic bunch to say the least:
  • Nate Branch became Liquid Man, who could turn himself into water. One of Saturday morning’s greatest mysteries is that if Nate was called Liquid Man, then why did he wear an ‘F’ on his costume? That bugged the heck out of me as a kid.
  • Freddie “Curly” Neal became Super Sphere (aka Sphere Man), who could retract his limbs into his head to bounce, smash, and grow. Naturally, his head looked like a basketball.
  • Hubert “Geese” Ausbie became Multi-Man, who could clone himself into into a seemingly infinite amount of duplicates to surround and mystify foes. He also carried around a shield which he never seemed to have use of.
  • James “Twiggy” Sanders became Spaghetti Man, who possessed a body of living spaghetti which he could use his as a ladder, a rubber band or a rope.
  • Louis “Sweet Lou” Dunbar became Gizmo Man (sometimes just Gizmo), who had an immense Afro which was a gateway to Hammerspace, containing an unlimited supply of gadgets (including one that fit the current situation). Sweet Lou’s particular power was so nutty that it later turned up as a visual gag in an episode of Comedy Central’s Upright Citizens’ Brigade.
The team received their marching orders from the Crime Globe, a basketball-shaped satellite (voiced by Frank Welker) that would alert the Globetrotters of villainous activities and even give them strategies to fight them.
-Wait, an HB show about a team of superheroes featuring a guy who can turn into water, a guy who can create copies of himself and a guy who can spring and stretch. That sounds kind of familiar….
…Hanna-Barbera copying one of their own successful formulas? Nah, couldn’t be. They’ve never done that.
The actual episodes typically blurred together, so it’s not really necessary to go into great detail about them. This opening pretty much sums things up.

The stories were little by way of repetition: The Globetrotters would be playing some exhibition match somewhere when they’d get a message from the Crime Globe warning them that some nut-cake with a wacky-themed costume and gimmick was planning to unleash some diabolical plan of some sort, the Globies would go Super, then the Trotters and the villains of the week would after 15 minutes, shtick each other to a stalemate. Then the Villain of the Week would challenge the Globetrotters to a basketball game for whatever McGuffin they were squabbling over. Since they’re the Harlem Globetrotters, basketball is what they do, they would always accept, expecting a fair game. The villains would always cheat–because they’re villains–and the Globies would get their butts handed to them in the first half, then at halftime the Crime Globe would have to remind them that they’re, like, you know, SUPERHEROES and that they should go Super again and use their powers to beat them. They would, and they would come out triumphant. This happened in every episode. Every. Single. Episode. You’d think just once the Globetrotters would get the idea to become super  at the start of the match, but no. I would have loved to have seen this exchange, just once:

Crime Globe: (at the start of the match) Attention, Globetrotters. Suit up and become the Super Globetrotters.

Nate: Why? It’s just a basketball game. We’re the Globetrotters. This’ll be a piece of sweet cake!

Crime Globe: Ah, no. Come on, guys, how many times have we done this? The bad guys are going to cheat and whoop your butts throughout the first half, then I’ll have to tell you that you can’t win this game as regular Globetrotters, then you’ll have to became superheroes to defeat them. So how about this time we skip all that and cut right to the chase??

Twiggy: Well yeah, that’s happened once or twice, but…

Crime Globe: It happens every week. What’s wrong with you?! It’s just like that time you guys met Snow White; you were playing against the Wicked Queen’s living gargoyles and of course the Queen used black magic to beat you, so at half time you finally got the bright idea that since you’re the flipping HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS, that you should be using your exhibition tricks to win, like you should have been doing at the beginning. So go super, now!

Curly: You sure? ’cause I think…

Crime Globe: GET IN THE @#$%ING LOCKERS ALREADY!!

After a single season, the Globies were handed a copyright lawsuit by a certain rock band/superhero trio and also received this letter from the Hall of Justice:

Dear Globetrotters,

If you really want to save the world, stay on the courts and leave the super-heroics to the professionals. Back off our racket or we’ll make arrangements for you to have to start dragging around 2 annoying teenagers and a stupid dog in a cape.

Signed, 

The Justice League

And that put an end to the practice of basketball stars doubling as superheroes, at least until Shaquille O’Neal took the role of Steel. And we all saw how well that turned out.