Retroville: Where’s the Cap’n?

For years, sea captain Horatio Magellan Crunch has mystified the public by somehow making his eyebrows float on his hat and sailing the seas aboard the good ship the S.S. Guppy with his crew of 4 children: Alfie, Brunhilde, Dave and Carlyle, as well as canine first mate Seadog (insert your own ‘sea-man’ joke here) encountering various exotic weirdos and just generally being Quaker Oats Company’s cereal pitchman extraordinaire. (The papers stating which naval regiment Crunch actually served under seemed to have mysteriously “vanished” somewhere around the Cape of Good Hope, according to rumors. Well, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.)

Then, one fateful day in 1987, the good Cap’n just…disappeared. Since no corporation should ever pass an opportunity to turn crisis into profit, Cap’n Crunch’s going missing sparked a huge promotional campaign and a tie-in sweepstakes. It also gave birth to this, a music video (???) written by Rick Derringer, the man responsible for the Hulk Hogan ditty “I Am a Real American”.

Wow. Just wow. I wish I had some crackers right now, so all of this 1980’s cheese wouldn’t be going to waste.


Aaaaanyway, it was eventually revealed that the Cap’n was in outer space, doing battle with some alien race known as the Soggies, sentient globs of wet milk under the leadership of…THE SOGMASTER!
If this galactic despot were to succeed, then BREAKFAST WOULD BE DOOMED.
“Dooming breakfast?? Man, and people say I come up with some lame schemes. Hey, Krang! You gotta hear this! This shmuck wants to ruin breakfast! What a tool, am I right??”
Eventually, the Soggy threat was defeated, partially due to the heroic efforts of the Cap’n, but mostly by heavy rain. The Soggy army simply dissipated and their plans went down the drain, quite literally, while the Sogmaster himself simply rusted.
“That’s what you get for buying that cheap knockoff armor from Sharper Image. Next time, buy Stark. It costs a little more, but it’s worth it!”
The whole “Cap’n Crunch went into space to save the planet and breakfast (chuckle!) from evil aliens” story makes for some good PR, but there was actually another reason for the Cap’n’s shrouded journey: he also saw this as an opportunity to ‘lose’ his young crew on some uncharted asteroid, so’s he could get Child Labor Services off his back. Apparently, it’s OK to employ children to work in your tobacco fields, but it’s not cool to hire kids under 10 to tote your bails, travel the uncharted seas and do battle with hairy, skeevy pirates who don’t wear shoes.
Hmmm, I think I’ve seen their pictures on a milk carton recently.

3 thoughts on “Retroville: Where’s the Cap’n?

  1. When I re-watched that 'Where's the Cap'n?” video, I started to ask “Why are the characters referencing MTV so much?”, but then I remembered that the video was made back when the 'M' in MTV stood for “music” and not “mediocre”.


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