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The Hub: What Could Have Been

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Well, folks, we’re approaching the final week of The Hub network being called The Hub. Next Monday (October 13) will mark the beginning of The Hub’s rebrand as Discovery Family.

Disc Fam logo

Hasbro will still be in control of the channel from 5 AM to 5 PM, but the rest of the hours will be programmed by Discovery. Yesterday, I came across one of the promos for Discovery Family. Take a look:

That’s it? Just a bunch of educational science, nature and animal documentaries?? Color me underwhelmed. So let’s examine this, shall we? Going by the above promo, Discovery Family’s lineup will have no animated shows (except for the established Hasbro properties such My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Transformers Rescue Bots), no scripted shows and no movies. It’s almost as though Discovery wants this channel to fail. DiscFam is probably going to be an even bigger bomb than the XFL. Yeah, The Hub’s airing old sitcom reruns in prime time was a phenomenally stupid programming decision, but does Discovery honestly believe that they can gain a substantial following by running a bunch of educational documentaries and reality programs in their place? What kind of network that wants to attract kids doesn’t have any cartoons on it’s lineup? That’s just dumb! And yes, I know that live action shows are cheaper to produce than animated shows, but even if DiscFam brought back some of their old Discovery Kids shows in reruns, that would be better than having no cartoons on the lineup at all. After I first saw this promo, my initial thought for the future of Discovery Family was this:

I predict that this new schedule is going to go over like a lead balloon covered with fat people. Even the DiscFam logo looks dull, generic and uninspired. Admittedly, I kind of like the tagline “Let’s Go!”, but it’s wasted on this snooze fest of a lineup. It makes me wish that Hasbro had partnered with some other company to launch it’s family oriented family cable channel and Discovery wasn’t involved at all. This leads me to ponder what things may have been like had Hasbro hitched it’s wagon to another company besides Discovery. Here are a few choices. Before I start, I’m going to say that the Big 3 (Disney, Warner Brothers and Viacom) are already off of the table, since they already have active family oriented cable channels, so we don’t have to imagine what their family channels would be like. That said, to borrow DiscFam’s tagline, Let’s go!

HASBRO AND DREAMWORKS

Dreamworks wouldn’t want to do this, and they have no reason to do it, but imagine if Hasbro and DreamWorks had partnered up and launched a family oriented cable channel. Not only would said channel be able to air all of the movies from the Shrek, Madagascar and Kung Fu Panda franchises as well as How To Train Your Dragon, but they’d also be able to air the DreamWorks series such as Monsters VS Aliens, Penguins of Madagascar, Dragons: Riders/Defenders of Berk, Kung-Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness and the upcoming animated series based on The Croods. Also Dreamworks currently owns the Classic Media library, which  includes the UPA TV catalogue, Harvey Entertainment, Big Idea Productions, Filmation and the license rights to Gumby, Voltron and the Jay Ward productions. This means that this hypothetical channel could also air reruns of Rocky & Bullwinkle and Felix the Cat, as well as any new adaptations of said projects.  Add to that My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic, Transformers and Littlest Pet Shop, and it sounds like a winner to me.

ADDENDUM: As it happens, a Hasbro/Dreamworks partnership almost happened, but Dreamworks’ president Jeffry Katzenberg wanted too much money and power, so Hasbro backed out of the deal. And the Greek chorus moans “More’s the pity.”

HASBRO AND 20TH CENTURY FOX

I know that FOX wouldn’t be interested in doing this, since their last attempt at a family friendly cable channel (Fox Family) didn’t end well and they already have a couple of cable channels under their belt, but it would be pretty cool if FOX had a showcase for their Fox Kids library of shows, as well as any new series that the studio would want to produce. Furthermore, there wouldn’t be the issue of what the channel would air at night after the kids have gone to bed, since this channel could air the FOX prime time shows and/or some of the FX or FXX programs. Plus, FOX owns The Simpsons lock, stock and barrel, so there wouldn’t be any issues if they wanted to air reruns of that on this channel.

HASBRO AND NBC/UNIVERSAL

I think that Hasbro and Universal would get along pretty well. Partnered with Universal, this hypothetical channel could air the likes of Woody Woodpecker and some of Universal Studios movies. Plus, Universal owns Qubo and Sprout. ‘ Nuff said.

HASBRO AND COOKIE JAR

Under this partnership, we would have a channel that had access to all of the Hasbro properties as well of all of the shows on Cookie Jar TV and KEWLopolis.

Honestly, any of these partnerships sounds better than what we’re getting. Now, it’s possible that Discovery may surprise us all by pulling something really special out of their collective sleeves, but I’m not counting on that. After seeing that Discovery Family promo and reading what Discovery’s master plan for the channel is, I have only this to say to all of them.

Toons & Tunes: Jacket by Shallow Gravy

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Welcome to a new segment of Twinsanity called Toons & Tunes. Here we showcase our favorite songs from the world of animation.

Here’s one of my jams. The first (and to date, only) single by the wanna be boy band Shallow Gravy (consisting of Hank Venture, Dermott and H.E.L.P.E.R. the robot on percussion) from Adult Swim’s The Venture Brothers. I guarantee that after hearing this, you’ll never look at outer wear the same way again. Here’s “Jacket”.

Talkin’ Nerdy: Furry Confusion

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If you’ve been following the news for past few weeks, you’ve undoubtedly heard or read the declaration made by Japan’s Sanrio company that’s shaken up the nation:

Sanrio’s mascot, Hello Kitty is NOT  a cat!!
“So, what happens if I get sick? Do I go to a doctor or a veterinarian?”
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In the words of Phillip J. Fry, “I’m shocked! SHOCKED!…Well, not that shocked.
The president of Sanrio goes on to explain that Hello Kitty is not an actual cat, but rather, she’s the personification of a cat. Her actual name is Kitty White. She’s a little girl, but no more an actual cat than Mickey Mouse is an actual mouse. Hello Kitty wears clothes. She stands, walks and talks like a human. She even owns a pet cat named Charmy Kitty.
He almost had up until he said that Hello Kitty owns a pet cat, but more on that later…
So going by that logic, then that means that Gumball Watterson isn’t a cat either, which he isn’t.
Gumball Watterson
Gumball is a human with cat like features. Gumball went “meow!” in one short and was seen hanging out with H-B characters Tom (of Tom & Jerry fame) and Top Cat in one of Cartoon Network’s 20th Anniversary spots, but those are the most cat-like things that Gumball has ever done.
For all intents and purposes, Gumball is an anthro, but definitely more human than animal.
Honestly, I think that fans outrage over this news is no more than a knee jerk reaction. After all, the practice of creating anthropomorphic animal characters who are essentially humans in animal guise is nothing new. Anybody remember this guy?

“Howdy, folks.”

Huckleberry Hound, despite his name and appearance, has done very few canine things in his long career. He was even employed as a dog catcher in one of his original shorts. He must’ve really needed the money.
Heck, among the most famous anthros of all time are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (granted, the Turtles were ordinary animals who were anthropomorphized through mutation, so they now can be thought of as at least part humanoid, although I’m still not feeling the idea of any of the Ninja Turtles dating human women.

“Humans datin’ anthros is sick! It’s an atrocimity!”

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 Homophobia, perhaps? Or would the correct term be “bestophobia”? I honestly don’t know what to call sex between anthropomorphic animals and cartoon humans, let alone an irrational fear of such practices. It gets even stranger when you have anthro animals interacting with non-anthropomorphic animals, such as having anthros vising non-anthros at the zoo. Are zoos like insane asylums for cartoon animals? Or how about Mickey Mouse having a dog for a pet and also hanging out with Goofy, another dog?
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As previously stated, the likes of Mickey Mouse, Hello Kitty and Gumball Watterson are not real animals, nor are the generic toon animal sprites in the now defunct video game Toontown Online.

“Check us out! In your face, natural order of things!”

…But even those characters are preferable to THESE animated abominations!!
This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is arthur-characters-2.jpg
What has science wrought?!? Someone think of the children!!!
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The characters on PBS’ Arthur aren’t animals; they’re mutant humans with animal heads! The females have full heads of hair. They’re fully clothed. They have completely human anatomies (including human fingers and toes). They don’t even have tails. Sorry, but when cartoon animals are anthropomorphiszed to the point where they have human feet, then it officially has crossed over from being cute to creepy! animal heads on human bodies may seem endearing in a cartoon or a video game, but in the real world, not so much.
If you saw these creatures in your neighborhood, they’d soon be chased out of town by angry villagers wielding pitchforks and torches. Talking animals are fine when not being human is part of their shtick, but keep it in Cartoon Country, please.

Nerdvana: My Ever Changing Clothes

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One of the most frequently asked question about Cartoon Country is “Why do cartoon characters always wear the same clothes?”. Basically, the process of animation and character design is complicated and time consuming enough without having to come up with different clothes for the characters to wear in every episode. Also, a character’s daily outfit can become iconic and make the character instantly recognizable. Can you imagine Charlie Brown not wearing his trademark yellow shirt with the jagged stripe?

Charlie_Brown
“Actually, I do have a pimp suit, but I left it at home.”
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However, there will be some cases in which some of the characters actually do change clothes. One of the more noteworthy examples of this would be Kimiko Tomoyo from Xiaolin Showdown, who sported a different hairstyle and outfit in almost every episode. Here are just some of Kimiko’s looks:

 
“What’s up with that last one? That hair looks ridiculous!”
 
Then there’s the curious case of Bart Simpson, who for the Simpsons merchandise is usually depicted wearing a light blue shirt instead of the orange one that he usually wears on the show.
 
Personally, I think that Bart should wear the light blue shirt all of the time. It contrasts better with the yellow skin.
 
“Hey, man, orange, blue, as long as FOX pays me, I’ll wear whatever they want. Well, maybe not plaid.”
 Then there’s one of my current favorite characters, Mabel Pines from Disney’s Gravity Falls, who sports a different decorative sweater in every episode (so far). Here are just some…
 
 
 
 
 
 
How many sweaters does that kid own, anyway?
 
 

“Honestly, I stopped counting after 83. It helps that my walk-in closet is a gateway to Hammerspace. True story.”

Fun Fact: Mabel’s sweaters were inspired by series creator Alex Hirsch’s real life twin sister Ariel, whom Mabel is based on.

Then there’s Barbie’s sisters from Barbie: Life in the Dream House. each of these characters has an outfit that she wears for seasons 1 and 2, and another that she wears for seasons 3 and 4.

Skipper

Stacie

Chelsea
 

Stylin’!

Then there’s Blythe Baxter from Littlest Pet Shop, who has sported several different costume changes throughout the series.

“Well, I am based on a doll line, after all. It kind of comes with the territory.”
 
There are some cases where a character’s outfit change makes a huge impact and other times when it’s not so much.
 
Red Shirt Shaggy
 
 
“Check it out. It’s like my regular shirt, but it’s RED! Like, I’m a fashion forward!”
 
Speaking of Scooby Doo, Freddy Jones’ daily outfit was changed for What’s New, Scooby Doo?…
 
whats_new_scooby-doo.fred_freddy_jones
fred_jones-3
 
…only to switch back to the ascot look in Scooby Doo: Mystery Incorporated.
 
 
 
“What can I say? You can’t beat the classics. Also, hardcore fans resist change.”
 
Cartoon characters changing outfits doesn’t happen all of the time, and in my opinion, it doesn’t need to, because it makes the times when it does happen just that much more special.
 
 
“Changing clothes? Nah. Don’t see the fascination with it.”