Ad Nausea/Talkin’ Nerdy: Staples Shopping Cart Breakdown

Because I’ve got nothing better to do, I’m going to give my thoughts (aka, pointless ramblings) about a Staples commercial that aired about a year ago. This is one of the ads from their “Shopping Cart Dance” campaign:

When I first saw this, my initial thought was…

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How in the nine worlds is this a back-to-school sale commercial? Most of the kids in that clip of the dads were toddlers! Why would preschoolers be excited about a back-to-school sale when they don’t even go to school? Also, why did only the dads have kids with them and not the moms? Just because fathers watch their kids these days doesn’t mean that mothers don’t do it anymore. Actually,  I know why; it’s because the director of this spot just took 2 unrelated clips from previous Staples commercials and randomly put them together trying to pass the people in them off as moms and dads. There’s a word for this practice: “Lazy”.

Then there’s the line “Definitely the dads!”

Larry Wilmore

Why? Why is it definitely the dads? No reason whatsoever was given for that conclusion! That line was so random! It’s like they’re giving a punch line to a joke that wasn’t told. Is this supposed to be a private joke of some kind? I don’t get it. And like I said before, those were 2 completely unrelated clips, neither of which had anything to do with back-to-school!

Film Brain

“Sense no make. Sense no make.”

This is a Staples commercial, sure, but it’s not a back-to-school commercial by any stretch of the imagination. I give it a 2 out of 5. The idea behind it wasn’t bad, but the execution was sloppy and the clips were thrown together hastily, resulting in the whole thing looking like confused mess of a commercial. This could have been handled a lot better. Next time, Staples, why not make an actual back-to-school sale commercial instead of mashing together a couple of random clips in less than a day and trying to pass said mash-up off as one?

Well, anyway, just to end this on a positive note…those dancing MILFs had some pretty sweet moves, didn’t they?

Johnny Bravo

“Whoa, mama!! I’m joinin’ the PTA!”

Talkin’ Nerdy: AnthropomorphiZm

Today Talkin’ Nerdy takes an in-depth look at an often overlooked minority, a sub-culture of society which doesn’t get a lot of press or attention, but nonetheless is a fraction of the populace that exists and stands out.

I’m speaking of course of the ‘animal people’ from Dragon Ball/Z.

ECHumans(Ep22)

You can’t address the elephant in the room here, because he went to get a snack from the commissary.

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Since Dragon Ball‘s debut, these crispy critters have been sprinkled across the population of Toriyama’s version of Earth, yet few of them have ever gotten any major screen time or especially large parts, the exceptions being Oolong and Puar…

Oolong_y_puar

A Cat & Piggy Show

…Korin…

KorinBuuSagaNV

…And Shu, the dog ninja minion of Emperor Pilaf, along with his human general, Mai.

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Shu looks pretty hot in that costume, Mai just plain looks hot.

Have you ever wondered where these ‘animal people’ come from? What their origin is? I’m glad I pretended that you asked that. I have my own personal theory as to where these ‘animal humans’ came to be; it’s a bit of a crackpot theory, and it’s not canonical, as it relies on Dragon Ball, Hero: 108 and Animal Jam all taking place within the same universe.

Politank Z

Also Waku Waku 7, since the Mechanic of Politank-Z is a dog.

Raphael

“A dog who’s a cop/mechanic? What sort of sober, drug-free mind would come up with something like that? A regular Hemingway, this one!”

Question

“I have another theory which links the Manhattan Project to the emergence of boy-bands and reality TV, if anyone’s interested.”

Anywho, this is my totally made-up, not true, but it works-for me theory:

In ancient times when the world was block after block of savage, untamed jungle, there were 2 major sapient tribes inhabiting the Earth: humans and animals, who lived together as equals and co-existed in peaceful, joyous harmony.

Kid_riding_a_dog_intro_screen

Peaceful, joyous harmony. We’re full of it.

 

As time progressed, the humans, i.e., the tribe with the opposable thumbs, began showing off their smarty brains, learning to master tools, discovering fire, inventing the wheel, covering their junk with clothes, etc., eventually creating what we now know as what passes for civilization and migrating to create more modern and technologically advanced cities and towns.

Couple in Car

“Well we’re movin’ on up….to the East Side…to a dee-luxe apartment in the sky….”

Raiinforest

The animals, meanwhile, stayed in the wild and remained “savage” for the most part, doing the jungle/tribal thing. However, the human and animal tribes stayed fairly close, and in due time, some humans began taking in animal ‘companions’ with them to the new cities, for one simple reason…

AJ Peck

The animals were freakin’ adorable!

Since they were living in ‘man’s world’ (and also due to the the strict legal regulations), in time the transplanted animals began to learn to speak the language and adopt some of the mannerisms of humans, thus giving rise to the ‘animal people’ sub-class we know today. While they’re not considered to be of the same level of intelligence or evolution as humans (they can’t vote or own property and are rarely asked for their opinions in polls), they have nonetheless become an accepted part of modern society.

That’s how I’d do it anyway. No offense to Toriyama-San, but I like that idea better than the one of animals just being people with animal features. When anthropomorphism is exaggerated to the point where the animals are basically odd-looking people, that’s where I draw the line.

One final question I’ve always had regarding Dragon Ball‘s animal populace: why are there no animal Z-Fighters?

Dog Stars

“We fight for truth, justice and Liv-A-Snaps!”

Can the animal people be taught to manipulate ki?  Videl is an ordinary human who learned to fly…

videl_gohan_fly_zpszmrwy6hn

“Just remember to think happy thoughts, dude!”

 

…So could an animal be taught this as well? Getting back to Hero: 108, First Squad a token animal member, my favorite character on the show, Jumpy Ghostface.

JumpyTitle

He would wrap his ears around his head like a ninja mask and work your behind with a jump-rope. Don’t laugh.

Jumpy Ninja

“I’m a ninja, I’m a Bunny Ninja!”

Not to be outdone (again!), Second Squad also had their own animal warrior, Golden Eye Husky.

Second Squad

G.E.H. has a super-durable body and can breathe fire….

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Yet he still had his soft, cuddly side.

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(I told you the animals were adorable.)

Personally, I think it would be kind of cool to see an animal kicking some ass alongside the Z-Soldiers.

-But wait, no, that would never work. That would just be ridiculous. Animals can’t be fighters. Can you imagine animal martial artists?

The Furious Five

Where the heck was my head??

 

Ad Nausea/Talkin’Nerdy: Lego Star Wars Road Trip Commercial

All of the hype surrounding the imminent premiere of Star Wars: The Force Awakens caused me to remember this ad from a year or two ago. This is the 2nd (I believe) spot from LEGO’s “Build Together” campaign with the father/son road trip (because apparently, mothers and daughters don’t bond, play with Legos or go on road trips. So LEGO is strictly a guy thing now? Wuuuuut?). Anyways, this particular spot focuses on the Star Wars franchise. Check it out:

 

Yes, that’s George Lowe as the announcer there, and that’s awesome. Despite this, however, I have a couple of nitpicks about this ad. Yeah, I know that I shouldn’t be over thinking a toy commercial, but the fact that Darth Vader is there and not being the bad guy is nothing short of bizarro. Darth Vader is the dark lord of the Sith and Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca and the droids (but not Princess Leia, because girls are icky and they’d contaminate the RV with their cooties) are part of the rebel alliance determined to bring down the empire. They wouldn’t be hanging out as such. Again, yeah, I know this is just a toy commercial and as such, nothing that happens in it is in any way canon to the movie universe, but Darth Vader hanging out with the rest of the Star Wars crew like he’s just one of the gang is just weird. It’d be like seeing the Shredder chillaxing with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or He-Man and Skeletor hanging out and acting like bros; it’s just plain odd.

As for the commercial’s punchline where the kid asks his father if they can keep Chewbacca as a pet…

Gyro Robo

“I won’t even dignify that joke with my analysis!”

 

 

 

 

Talkin’ Nerdy: Six Ridiculous Super Powers

One of the main things that defines a super hero are his/her super powers. Of course, at the top of the super hero food chain you have the likes of Superman, who basically set the standards which other Capes are based on. Supes is basically a Swiss Army Knife of super powers. He has super strength, super speed, heat vision, invulnerability, ice breath. Pretty much all the hits.

4-7

“Don’t mess with the ‘S’!”

…And then there are some super heroes whose powers, shall we say, come up a little short?  I know that every super hero can’t be Superman, Wolverine, Batman or Silver Surfer, but there are some super heroes who clearly showed up late to the party and were forced to get the leftover powers. Today, I’m going to look at some of my picks for Most Ridiculous Super Powers. Before we start, let me say that I’m not limiting my choices to only one studio, and also, these choices aren’t in any particular order, so I won’t be numbering them. That said…

Mario_Artwork_-_Super_Mario_3D_World

“Here we go!”

Let’s start with this guy, Evan Daniels, aka, Spyke from X-Men: Evolution (I agree with what Eric Rodriguez, aka, The Blockbuster Buster said: XME was an OK show, if you can get pass all of the high school BS). His mutant power is the ability to produce bony spikes from his body and then toss said spikes as projectiles.

spyke_zps3igsweav

You’ll want this kid around if you ever get a piece of food stuck in your teeth.

I didn’t have a problem with the character. I didn’t mind that he was changed from being a Morolck (like he was in the comics) to being Storm’s nephew (I don’t know how an orphan from Cairo somehow got an American born sister, but whatever). I didn’t even mind his blond flattop hair style, even if it made him look like Sisqo, but let’s be real here; Spyke’s mutant power is stupid. I used to think that Shadowcat’s power was bad, but a colleague showed me that her phasing power was indeed useful, and I saw the light. I’ll even give Legion of Super Heroes’ Bouncing Boy a pass, but Spyke’s power? No, just no.  Even Malcolm Ray’s super power of turning everything into a video game sprite in the Nostalgia Critic’s Fan4stic review was better than Spyke’s power and that was intentionally silly. Of all the mutant powers the shows’ producers could have given him, why did the shows’ only African American teen mutant have to be saddled with the stupidest power on the whole bleeping show!? And have him be forced to spout out lines like this:

spyke202_zpsivmfxasm

“Dude! I almost toothpicked ya!”

Listen, XME writers. I know that you really wanted that line to be cool, and it probably sounded cool in your collective heads, but it was lame. And then to add insult to injury, in XME’s third season, Spyke’s power mutated even further by extending to most of his body, forcing him to live underground along with the Morlocks.

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Great. Now he looks like an armadillo, and it’s still stupid!

Spyke’s power is just dumb. The firing spikes is lame. It’s always been lame, and it’s always going to be be lame. Sorry, XME writers, but it just isn’t possible to make Spyke’s mutant power cool. It’s like trying to make Plaid Lad cool; it can’t be done.

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“I WILL make your sport jacket tacky!”

Interestingly, Spyke’s role within the main cast was originally going to be occupied by Bobby Drake, aka, Iceman, but he was replaced by Spyke at the last minute because XME’s producers didn’t want all of the main X-Teens on the show to be white. (Technically, Nightcrawler was blue, but you get my meaning.) That’s a reasonable request, but if the producers wanted an African-American on the team and they didn’t want to make Storm into a teenager, why didn’t they just make Bobby black? There’s no part in Iceman’s backstory and mythos that states that he has to be a Caucasian. No, Bobby wasn’t black in the original  comics, but neither was Nick Fury. If Nick Fury can go from being Caucasian to African American without anybody going nuts, I’m sure that fans would be OK with an African American Iceman. And the kids the show was aimed at have never read the original comics, so they wouldn’t have cared.

Next we come to this guy. Another X-Men character known as Forearm. See if you can guess what his super power is.

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Let’s give him a hand!

Forearm is called that because (wait for it!) he has FOUR ARMS! Woo! Unless you’re Goro from Mortal Kombat, just having extra appendages isn’t a cool power. For one thing, it’s impossible to do jumping jacks.

Speaking of arms, we now come to Arm Fall Off Boy from DC’s Legion of Super Heroes.

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This guy’s power is that he can detach his arms and toss them as projectiles. One thing that I’ve always wondered is after he takes off one of his arms, how does he remove the other one? And how does he get his detached arms back on?

Next, we come to another Legion of Super Heroes member: Matter Eater Lad, who has the power to eat through any and every substance.

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“Watch out, evil doers! I skipped lunch and I’m hungry for justice!”

Guys, there’s just no way to make eating seem like a cool power. Let’s face it. Unless you’re Pac Man, it just doesn’t cut it.

Finally,  we come to a somewhat obscure choice; Ethan from Disney’s 2005 movie Sky High (played by DJ Daniels).

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Now I realize that all of the sidekicks in Sky High were intentionally given lame super powers, hence their underdog status, but Ethan’s super power somehow managed to be even more of a joke than those of the other sidekicks. His one power was being able to transform into a puddle of goo. Aside from having the bad guy slip on you and break his back, this power is completely useless. a little advice: if your looking for inspiration for a cool, unique super power, you might not want to draw inspiration from the Action League Now! character Meltman…

meltman_zpsxdscplol

…with the power to….MELT!!!

Talkin’ Nerdy: It’s All Freak to Me

X-Men

One of Marvel Comics’ most popular and iconic franchise characters are the X-Men. Created in 1963 by writer Stan Lee and artist/co-writer Jack Kirby, and achieving mainstream success in the 1990’s thanks to their successful Saturday morning cartoon show on Fox Kids in the 1990’s, this sub-species of humans who are born with superhuman abilities and who fight for peace and equality between normal humans and mutants in a world where antimutant bigotry is fierce and widespread, are among the most recognizable and lucrative intellectual properties of Marvel Comics, appearing in numerous books, television shows, films, and video games…..

….Just not in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And the cries of a million fanboys can be heard across the cosmos.

Why not, you may ask? It’s because of the ongoing tug-of-war between Disney/Marvel and 20th Century Fox, who currently hold the film rights to the mutants.

Corporate Tug of War

“The X-Men are OURS! We created them! Hand them over! We want to cross them over with the Guardians of the Galaxy!”

-“No, they’re OURS! You gave the rights away! No take-backs! We need the mutants! The Simpsons aren’t funny anymore!”

Fox isn’t about to relinquish the rights to the X-Men Franchise as long as their films are putting butts into seats, but Disney/Marvel wants to use them real bad. They have had to bite their tongues about it so much that their tongues look like a dog’s chew toy. In the first 2 seasons of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., whenever someone would debunk psychics as being fake, what they were really saying was:

“We can’t reference the X-Men because 20th Century Fox still holds the movie rights.”

Unable to utilize the muties for the MCU, Marvel has turned its’ attention to another sub-species of super-powered individuals, The Inhumans.

X THIS!

X THIS!

For those who don’t know, the Inhumans are are a fictional race of superhumans which first appeared in Fantastic Four #45 (December 1965), though members Medusa and Gorgon appeared in earlier issues of that series (#36 and #44, respectively). Their comic book series has usually focused more specifically on the adventures of the Inhuman Royal Family, and many people associate the name “Inhumans” with this particular team of super-powered characters. Their home, the city of Attilan, is described as the home of a race existing alongside of humans that was evolutionarily advanced when human beings were still in the Stone Age.

Since Marvel can’t use the X-Men, they’ve subsequently introduced Inhumans into the the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the second season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and they will also be featured in the film Inhumans, set for release on July 12, 2019.

But wait, there’s more: in the comics, there has recently been a story arc which begins with a Terrigen Bomb (the principal Inhumans were given their special powers due to experimentation with a mutagenic Terrigen Mist — a process known as Terrigenesis) going off and spreading Terrigen Mist all over the place. This mist has begun sterilizing Earth’s existing mutants as well as preventing humans from giving birth to new mutants, basically spelling the extinction of the mutant race, and this same mist has started created new Inhumans in various places, thus effectively making Inhumans the new Mutants. Marvel must be figuring “If WE can’t have the mutants, then NO ONE can!”

“WHAT? Ah finally git muh powers under control so ah can finally go on a date with a fella without puttin’ him in a coma, an’ now they’re tryin’ to wipe us out in favor of Black Bolt’s crew?? Now, don’t that just churn your butter?!”

-Now it’s worth mentioning that mutants have faced near-extinction in the comics before; the Legacy Virus and the House of M storyline, to name only 2 examples, so this whole mess could easily be undone with a corporate meeting and a universe-sweeping retcon, but if Marvel is truly planning to change the rules regarding their super-freaks and remake their mutant population, then I’d like to offer some suggestions of my own. Just some things I’d personally like to see altered regarding the Mutant/Inhuman (or whatever they end up calling them) over at Marvel.

  1. TOO MANY MUTANTS

I don’t think Mutants/Inhumans need to go away, but I definitely feel the mutant herd needs to be thinned out considerably. For a time in the comics, there were so many mutants in the Marvel Universe that not only were there 2 X-Men teams (Blue and Gold), but there were also numerous offshoot mutant teams: X-Force, X-Factor, Excalibur, Generation X, X-Treme, X-Perts, X-Rays, X-Thems, X-YZ, X-Marks The Spot…I’d personally do away with all that and just have one single mutant team. Regarding the Inhumans, I like the idea of all the Mutants/Inhumans all coming from a single bloodline or Royal Family; they could all originally reside in one single citadel before being “discovered” by human beings.

Advanced civilization. Advanced technology. Increased rent.

Advanced civilization. Advanced technology. Increased rent.

I like that idea a lot more than mutants just being random people who keep popping up all over the globe. After all, if every 10th person on the planet is a mutant, then what’s so special about being an X-Man? I’d also give the Mutant/Imhumans a special mark or royal seal that they’d all bear, like a snazzy tattoo:

Like in 'Mortal Kombat Annihilation', only not lame.

Like in ‘Mortal Kombat Annihilation’, only not lame.

It could also be a bar code if you want the mark to be more Mad Science-y. The Inhumans were originally experimented on by the alien Kree, after all.

The seal could also be a bar code on the back of their necks a la “Dark Angel” (for the 2 of you who remember that show) if you want the mark to be more Mad Science-y. The Inhumans were originally experimented on by the alien Kree, after all.

I’d definitely keep the Mutant/Inhuman race small and self-contained and keep the mutations within the same clique of clans.

“Ever’body on Atillan is kin folk, some in 2 or 3 diff’rent ways. Know whut ah mean?”

2. FIVE ON ONE HAND, HALF OF TEN ON THE OTHER.

Come closer, I’d like to share a little secret I have with you all. Ready? Here it is:

-In it’s current dimensions, I think that the X-Men mythos only really works when mutants are the only super-powered beings on the planet; they don’t really work alongside other super heroes.

Homer Scream

T’is true. If you’re really gonna milk the whole “People hate and fear mutants because they’re scared of their powers and worried that they’re gonna take over and turn on humanity, yada yada yada” shtick, then that kind of falls apart once you start adding radioactive spider-men, gamma-radiated green giants, Asgardian gods, serum-augmented super-soldiers, aliens, wizards, and cosmic ray-bombared space explorers into the mix. That then raises questions like “Then don’t people also think Hulk and Spider-Man are mutants?” or “Why don’t people pelt Captain America, the Fantastic Four and the Avengers with rotten fruit?” or “What about Iron Man? How many people are that smart? How do we know that he doesn’t possess an x-gene that increases his intellect tenfold?” To boot, several mutant and non-mutant heroes have the same or similar powers. For example, this is Crystal of Atillan.

She can psionically control the forces of air, earth, fire and water, i.e., controlling the elements.

She can psionically control the forces of air, earth, fire and water, i.e., controlling the elements.

And this is Storm of the X-Men.

She can mentally command and control the forces of wind, rain, thunder and lighting. A mistress of controlling the elements.

She can mentally command and control the forces of wind, rain, thunder and lighting, i.e.,  controlling the elements.

-See the problem here?

I say if you’re going to place Mutants/Inhumans alongside other costumed heroes, then you have to make them in some way unique from the other capes.

Here’s my idea: I would establish that the mutants of Atillan would have been exposed to four varieties of Terrigen Mist: yellow, red, green and blue, each one creating 1 of 4 specific varieties of Mutant, inspired by the syndicated series Mutant X. (Bonus points to anyone who saw that show.)

You'd have FERALS, mutants exposed to yellow mist who possess both human and animal DNA: canines, felines, birds, reptiles, amphibians, etc.

You’d have FERALS, mutants exposed to yellow mist who possess both human and animal DNA: canines, felines, birds, reptiles, amphibians, etc.

“FERALS RULE!!”

“Dino Power! AHH!”

ELEMENTALS, mutants exposed to the green mist, who can manipulate nature: pyrokinietics, cryokinetics, electrokinietics, all the kinetics.

ELEMENTALS, mutants exposed to the green mist, who can manipulate nature: pyrokinietics, cryokinetics, electrokinietics, all the kinetics.

MOLECULARS, mutants exposed to the red mist, who can alter their physical forms and/or defy physical science, i.e., speedsters, shape-shifters, teleporters, etc.

MOLECULARS, mutants exposed to the red mist, who can alter their physical forms and/or defy physical science, i.e., speedsters, shape-shifters, teleporters, etc.

And PSIONICS, mutants exposed to the blue mist. Those would be your telepaths, telekinetics, telempaths, precognitives, intiuitives, technopaths, technokinetics, and New Age nuts.

And PSIONICS, mutants exposed to the blue mist. Those would be your telepaths, telekinetics, telempaths, precognitives, intiuitives, technopaths, technokinetics, and New Age nuts.

And Marvel would have to be strict with themselves; the Mutant/Inhumans could only possess power sets in one of these 4 categories or some combination thereof, and no other heroes in the Marvel Universe could possess these same abilities. Heck, why not give the Inhumans unusual-colored skin while we’re at it?

“Rainbow Power, suckas!”

This way, combined with the tattoo thing I mentioned earlier, would be a way to effectively distinguish mutants from all the other caped heroes in the MU.

“Alls I’m sayin’ is you put a mutant an’ a mutate next to each other, an’ I can’t tell ’em apart!”

3. CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

This is the other major thing that’s always bugged me about the X-Men mythos: look, the X-Men have been fighting the good fight since 1963. It’s been 52 years already; shouldn’t mutant/human relations have improved some by now? Even a little? Mutants still have to live in secrecy and can’t walk the streets without getting rotten egged, despite them saving the world countless times. I get that the writers want to keep the angst factor up because they think that’ll sell more books, but that whole things makes no sense. A fellow poster on the interwebz explained it to me once: “Think of it like there’s a cop or a fireman who’s really good at his job and dedicated to helping and protecting to their community, but he/she also happens to be gay or a Muslim. Even though this person does nothing but good for the community and always puts the needs of other people before his/herself, there are still those who don’t trust this person due to their being Muslim or gay or whatever.” I get that, but that theory falls apart because in the Marvel universe, no one would let a mutant be a cop or a fireman in the first place. If it were me, I’d have humans for the most part learn to co-exist with mutants. Sure, there’d still be bigots who wouldn’t trust them and bad muties who want to take over, but for the most part, humans and mutants would be able to peacefully live alongside of one another with few difficulties. It’d be like on The Super Hero Squad Show; yes, I’m drawing inspiration from a parody kids’ cartoon.

-That’s what I’d do, anyway. I do feel that there should be some form of mutants in the MCU, as they represent something which no other comic book superheroes represent: the nature and stupidity of prejudice. Everyone has felt isolated from society in some way, shape or form, be they black, white, Latino, Jewish, Muslim, LGBT or whatever, and X-Men speaks to that. So I’m sure there will always be some form of mutants in Marvel, even with some alterations made to them, and with different names and identities.

“‘Cept for me, bub! Mutant, Inhuman, potato, po-tah-to. As long as I’m bein’ worshiped by the fanboys and keep on eatin’, sweatin’ and bleedin’ money fer Marvel, the Ol’ Canuckle Head ain’t goin’ anywhere! The fans would chew their own arms off ta see me in the next Avengers movie!”