One of my favorite rock songs is “Beth” by Kiss. If you haven’t heard it, give it a listen:

 

The lyrics are sentimental. The melody and the strings are beautiful and the story of the song gets me right in the feels. So much so that I don’t have the song on my mp3 player because I don’t want to get choked up while driving.

So you can imagine my surprise when I’m watching TV a couple of nights ago and I hear the song being played on this commercial by Volkswagen:

OK, Volkswagen. I’ve got to ask: What the literal what?

Let’s break this down: First, Mr. Dad with his hip, happening beard is going to all kinds of places, doing all kinds of different things with his kids for the entirety of the day, and Mom can’t go with them because…reasons? If Beth had to work or had some important errand to run or something, I would understand it, but this woman spends the whole commercial just puttering around the house doing literally nothing. This commercial offers no explanation why Mom Beth can’t join her husband and kids on their day of play. Does she have any friends? Any hobbies? A job? Is she an agoraphobiac? Maybe this is one of those deals like in the Lego Father and Son Road Trip commercial where women apparently don’t like to have fun and anything with two ‘x’ chromosomes would just contaminate the car with her cooties.

Second, Beth is going to give Dr. Beardo grief about not getting milk? Lady, your husband has had the kids for the entire day (it’s dark when they’re about to return) and you’ve been inside the house that entire time doing absolutely nothing! Get up off your lazy ass and get your own dang milk!

There’s something darkly ironic about the songs that you once rocked out to are now being played over the PA system of your local Target or being used for cornball commercials like this one. I haven’t been this annoyed since Good Humor used Donovan’s “Mellow Yellow” to sell it’s brand of ice cream bar the Conello. Now I know how France felt when we Americans took one of that countries national treasures the croissant, and turned it into a Crois’sandwich!

 

All right, Volkswagen. You took one of the most beautiful rock and roll love ballads of all time and you farted in it’s face! This calls for retribution. Stand up and take your medicine.

Ah, that was therapeutic.