Author silverstar

Why Applejack is Awesome!

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  1. She’s cool, despite being an Earth pony and not having any special powers.*
  2. That stylin’ Stetson.
  3. She’s named after a a strong alcoholic beverage produced from apples. I’d buy that for a dollar!
  4. She’s voiced by Ashleigh Ball, doing an Ozark accent said to have been lifted from Dolly Parton and Miley Cyrus.
  5. She owns and runs her own farm. Farm livin’ is the life for me, as long as I’ve got indoor air conditioning, high-speed broadband internet, fiber optic cable or satellite television, I’m a short driving distances from the malls, restaurants and shopping centers, there aren’t any animals on the property and I don’t have to do any actual work.
  6. She eats, drinks, sells, lives and breathes apples. We all know someone who’s married to their profession.
  7. She’s prolific with a lasso. It’s amazing enough that she can even tie a knot in a rope with no hands.
  8. Her mane and tail are braided. Nice.
  9. She’s one of the only two members of the main cast who were part of the original My Little Pony cast in the 1980s animated series, the other member being Spike, after Hasbro didn’t maintain the trademarks to nearly all of the original character names and most names had to be replaced. Kinda dropped the ball there, Hasbro.
  10. She has a gaggle of kinfolk, both immediate and extended, a large family of Earth pony farmers, who own apple farms all over Equestria, all of whom have similar apple-themed names. There’s  Apple Fritter, Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apples, Apple Brioche, Apple Cinnamon Crisp, Apple Cobbler, Apple Honey, Apple Pie, Gala Appleby, Lavender Fritter, Peachy Sweet, Apple Brown Betty, Braeburn, Big McIntosh, Apple Bloom and Granny Smith. Betcha thought I was going to screw that up.
  11. Her family are the original founders of Ponyville. That’s stroke.
  12. She can play the banjo and the fiddle. Again, no small achievement when you don’t have hands.
*Actually, Earth ponies are physically very powerful, capable of performing incredible feats of strength with little or no visible strain, and enjoy long-lasting stamina, and have a special connection to nature, animals, and plants. Though they lack the ability to consciously cast spells like unicorns or to fly and walk on clouds like Pegasi, the race possesses a passive, botanically focused magic unique to them, and their connection to nature makes them “just as necessary” as and “perhaps more important” than the other ponies. Plus, heck, I just like to route for underdogs.

Retroville: Where’s the Cap’n?

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For years, sea captain Horatio Magellan Crunch has mystified the public by somehow making his eyebrows float on his hat and sailing the seas aboard the good ship the S.S. Guppy with his crew of 4 children: Alfie, Brunhilde, Dave and Carlyle, as well as canine first mate Seadog (insert your own ‘sea-man’ joke here) encountering various exotic weirdos and just generally being Quaker Oats Company’s cereal pitchman extraordinaire. (The papers stating which naval regiment Crunch actually served under seemed to have mysteriously “vanished” somewhere around the Cape of Good Hope, according to rumors. Well, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.)

Then, one fateful day in 1987, the good Cap’n just…disappeared. Since no corporation should ever pass an opportunity to turn crisis into profit, Cap’n Crunch’s going missing sparked a huge promotional campaign and a tie-in sweepstakes. It also gave birth to this, a music video (???) written by Rick Derringer, the man responsible for the Hulk Hogan ditty “I Am a Real American”.

Wow. Just wow. I wish I had some crackers right now, so all of this 1980’s cheese wouldn’t be going to waste.
"WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!"

“WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!”

Aaaaanyway, it was eventually revealed that the Cap’n was in outer space, doing battle with some alien race known as the Soggies, sentient globs of wet milk under the leadership of…THE SOGMASTER!
If this galactic despot were to succeed, then BREAKFAST WOULD BE DOOMED.
“Dooming breakfast?? Man, and people say I come up with some lame schemes. Hey, Krang! You gotta hear this! This shmuck wants to ruin breakfast! What a tool, am I right??”
 
Eventually, the Soggy threat was defeated, partially due to the heroic efforts of the Cap’n, but mostly by heavy rain. The Soggy army simply dissipated and their plans went down the drain, quite literally, while the Sogmaster himself simply rusted.
“That’s what you get for buying that cheap knockoff armor from Sharper Image. Next time, buy Stark. It costs a little more, but it’s worth it!”
 
The whole “Cap’n Crunch went into space to save the planet and breakfast (chuckle!) from evil aliens” story makes for some good PR, but there was actually another reason for the Cap’n’s shrouded journey: he also saw this as an opportunity to ‘lose’ his young crew on some uncharted asteroid, so’s he could get Child Labor Services off his back. Apparently, it’s OK to employ children to work in your tobacco fields, but it’s not cool to hire kids under 10 to tote your bails, travel the uncharted seas and do battle with hairy, skeevy pirates who don’t wear shoes.
Hmmm, I think I’ve seen their pictures on a milk carton recently.

2 Funny: Dinosaur Rap and Broke We Is

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And now, the most uncool blog on the internet gets down with funny rap videos!

First, a favorite bit of mine from The Whitest Kids ‘U Know: the only rap number on the web about getting high with dinosaurs.

Dang, I wish I had written that.

Next, from the late sketch comedy show Stupidface from the equally late Fuel TV channel, Day by Day presents The Broke Ballers. Apparently being broke is the new pimp.


U’r Welcome, intuhnet.

“BOOYAKASHA!”

Peeks: More Glimpses at Disney’s "The 7D"

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Back in March, we did a first look at one of Disney’s newest upcoming animated series, The 7D, a new series starring ‘modernized’ versions of Disney’s Seven Dwarfs, which was originally slated as a preschool show set to run on Disney Junior, but is now going to be an all-ages series airing on Disney XD. The Mouse House is being rather closed-mouthed about this show (or maybe I just don’t watch that much Disney XD–possibly both), so I haven’t seen a lot of promotion for it, but I recently came across some more media for the series. First, let’s get this out of the way….

“OMG!! THE SEVEN DWARFS HAVE BEEN REDESIGNED! THEY LOOK DIFFERENT! THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE THEY DID IN THE MOVIE! IT’S WRONG! IT’S AN ABOMINATION AGAINST GOD AND NATURE!! WALT MUST BE SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE!! THEY’VE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!!!!!! WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH!!!!!!!!”

-Now that we’ve done that, check out this promo:


And this 2-minute snippet:


Now I know some people can, do and will have their qualms about this show, but as a longtime fan of the Seven Dwarfs, I’m personally looking forward to this. The fact that it employs the vocal talents of Maurice LaMarche, Jess Harnell, Billy West and Kevin Michael Richardson doesn’t hurt either. The 7D is set to premiere on Disney Closed-Eyed Grin on July 7th. If it succeeds in catching my interest, I just may do a Review on the Run of this show. Stay tooned.

2 Funny: Wash My Damn Towels and 5 Awkward Kool-Aid Commercials

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Remember the Have A Laugh! entry we did back in February? Well, we liked it so much that we decided to make it a recurring segment. Starting today, we’ll occasionally be uploading funny video clips that make us and hopefully you laugh in a new segment we call 2 Funny. (By now you should know why it’s ‘2’ instead of “Too”.) We hope they’ll give you a chuckle and make your day just a tad more bearable. WARNING: today’s entries are just the tiniest bit blue, but nothing too harsh or over the top, we promise. First up, a favorite bit of ours from TBS’ The Pete Holmes Show.

If this doesn’t become a nationwide catchphrase, there’s something truly wrong with our society.

And, the 5 Most Awkward Kool-Aid Commercials. This always cracks me up.


Hope we gave you a laugh with these. Be on the lookout for more of our favorite funny vids in the weeks and moths to come.