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2 Funny: The Haunted Heist

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Remember The Groovie Ghoulies? No? Well, how about the people over 40? Do you remember? Good. Here’s an installment of the Ghoulie get together which was weird even by this shows’ standards. A short entitled “The Haunted Heist”. Enjoy.

I really wonder what the guys at Filmation stirred in their coffee.

Retroville: Where’s the Cap’n?

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For years, sea captain Horatio Magellan Crunch has mystified the public by somehow making his eyebrows float on his hat and sailing the seas aboard the good ship the S.S. Guppy with his crew of 4 children: Alfie, Brunhilde, Dave and Carlyle, as well as canine first mate Seadog (insert your own ‘sea-man’ joke here) encountering various exotic weirdos and just generally being Quaker Oats Company’s cereal pitchman extraordinaire. (The papers stating which naval regiment Crunch actually served under seemed to have mysteriously “vanished” somewhere around the Cape of Good Hope, according to rumors. Well, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.)

Then, one fateful day in 1987, the good Cap’n just…disappeared. Since no corporation should ever pass an opportunity to turn crisis into profit, Cap’n Crunch’s going missing sparked a huge promotional campaign and a tie-in sweepstakes. It also gave birth to this, a music video (???) written by Rick Derringer, the man responsible for the Hulk Hogan ditty “I Am a Real American”.

Wow. Just wow. I wish I had some crackers right now, so all of this 1980’s cheese wouldn’t be going to waste.
"WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!"

“WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!”

Aaaaanyway, it was eventually revealed that the Cap’n was in outer space, doing battle with some alien race known as the Soggies, sentient globs of wet milk under the leadership of…THE SOGMASTER!
If this galactic despot were to succeed, then BREAKFAST WOULD BE DOOMED.
“Dooming breakfast?? Man, and people say I come up with some lame schemes. Hey, Krang! You gotta hear this! This shmuck wants to ruin breakfast! What a tool, am I right??”
 
Eventually, the Soggy threat was defeated, partially due to the heroic efforts of the Cap’n, but mostly by heavy rain. The Soggy army simply dissipated and their plans went down the drain, quite literally, while the Sogmaster himself simply rusted.
“That’s what you get for buying that cheap knockoff armor from Sharper Image. Next time, buy Stark. It costs a little more, but it’s worth it!”
 
The whole “Cap’n Crunch went into space to save the planet and breakfast (chuckle!) from evil aliens” story makes for some good PR, but there was actually another reason for the Cap’n’s shrouded journey: he also saw this as an opportunity to ‘lose’ his young crew on some uncharted asteroid, so’s he could get Child Labor Services off his back. Apparently, it’s OK to employ children to work in your tobacco fields, but it’s not cool to hire kids under 10 to tote your bails, travel the uncharted seas and do battle with hairy, skeevy pirates who don’t wear shoes.
Hmmm, I think I’ve seen their pictures on a milk carton recently.

TV Special Tonight!: Zolar – The Extreme Sports Movie

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Two things that kids like are space aliens and extreme sports (i.e., skateboarding, snowboarding, etc.). In 2004, Kids’ WB brilliantly and cynically combined these 2 elements by producing a made for TV movie about an extreme sports loving teenage space alien. Witness Zolar: The Extreme Sports Movie.

Mediocrity….TO THE XTREME!!!

Kids’ WB’s first (and only) live action movie,  Zolar tells the story of a blue-skinned teenaged extraterrestrial who possesses immense galactic power but is interested primarily in skating with his friends and reconciling his freakish exterior with the norms of society. And surviving attempts on his life by the evil interstellar overlord Hedion. That concerns him too.

Here’s the skinny: Fourteen years ago, a burst of galactic energy collided with Earth. This burst contained a blue skinned alien baby (I didn’t know energy bursts could do that). Said baby was found by a guy named Skip, who lives in a bus. Skip claimed the baby as his own and did what any human would do with an alien baby; teach it to skateboard to the max, man!

Here’s Zolar and his adoptive parent dude Skip. Skip is the one on the left.

Zolar’s  bright blue skin and the fin things for his ears are OK, but there’s something familiar about that nose…

Jimmy_Durante

“Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!”

Moving on…
Fast forward to the present day. Four meddling kids (they’re names are Keiko, Dex, Hanson, and Chelsea, but you don’t need to know their names. I’m just going to call them by their character archetypes: Leader Boy Who Gives Everything His All, Nerd Boy Who’s a Technical Whiz, Wacky Dressed Girl Who Has Kooky Colored Hair and Ca-Razy Kewl Outfits and Little Sister Who’s Out to Prove She’s Not Just a Kid, Even Though She Is) are trying to break into the extreme sports circuit, be it rollerblading, skateboarding or snowboarding. Problem is, they all suck at all of them. One fateful day, they run into Skip and Zolar. Skip offers to train them in the way of awesome skateboarding, while also giving his adopted alien freak boy a chance to make friends with some normal kids.  Zolar also has a propensity for making the following ejaculation:
“BLUE-YA!!”
 
“Blue no!”
 
Seriously. Stop trying to turn “Blue-Ya!” into a catchphrase. It’s not going to happen.
There’s also a cameo by professional skater Jason Ellis, who provides lengthy exposition and makes the startling revelation that all extreme sports athletes are actually aliens in disguise!
Silver Surfer
“That sounds ridiculous to me, and I used to work for a guy who eats planets for sustainance!”

“File this under: bull crap.”

All of the world’s extreme sports athletes are space aliens. Really, that’s like saying that all of TV’s famous cooking show stars are actually mutant Morlocks.

You always wondered. Now ya know!”

 

Everyone immediately becomes friends. However, the evil Hedion (C. Thomas Howell), a powerful space bad guy, seeks the power that Zolar has within him. To capture Zolar and retrieve this mojo, he dispatches some cronies to Earth, chief among them some clown named Geommer.

Geommer puts together a scheme to trick Zolar and takes him prisoner. It’s now up to Zolar’s new friends to spring their blue chum, and prevent Geommer from taking over the universe.

Thanks to dvdverdict.com for the synopsis.

On the upside, Zolar is harmless family fare. There’s no blood, death or sexual innuendos. On the downside, the movie is very, very, very stupid. The premise alone opens the door for all kinds of unanswerable questions: How does a hippie guy living in a bus manage to hide an alien for 14 years? What’s with Wild Grrl’s look?

Zolar

Normally I’m all for chicks who wear wacky outfits and crazy colored hair, I actually liked the pink hair, but this chick was wearing FAR too much makeup. Seriously, no need to cake it on, sister; any more and you can officially qualify as a clown. Seriously, all she needs is a pair of big floppy shoes and a red honking nose and she’d be in the house.

“All of a sudden I’ve got somethin’ in my pocket. It’s as big as my shoe, but it feels just like a rocket!”

Where are these kids’ parents? Aren’t they concerned about their kids being chased and blasted by laser gun toting evil aliens from another planet? And how does anyone not notice a teen with blue skin and gills wearing street clothes? Yeah, sure. All you have to do is dress the space alien in a baseball cap, a plaid shirt and blue jeans and everyone thinks that he’s a normal person.

“That’s just stupid.”
 
“Real stupid!”
 
Zolar is nothing but a cynical attempt to cash in on two popular fads to make money off of gullible kids. It would be like making a movie about giant robots who know Kung-Fu. Or a movie about Wild West cowboys fighting alien invaders.

Oh, wait. That actually happened. Anyway, as evidenced by shows such as Prostars and “Hoop Squad”, arguably the single worst episode of Static Shock of all time, trying to pass off pro athletes as super heroes is always a terrible idea. I think that Chad Rocco (CR!) said it best, “Just because you can play basketball, that doesn’t make you a super hero!”

All of a sudden, the concept of extra terrestrial ducks who play hockey seems plausible.

2 Funny: Dinosaur Rap and Broke We Is

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And now, the most uncool blog on the internet gets down with funny rap videos!

First, a favorite bit of mine from The Whitest Kids ‘U Know: the only rap number on the web about getting high with dinosaurs.

Dang, I wish I had written that.

Next, from the late sketch comedy show Stupidface from the equally late Fuel TV channel, Day by Day presents The Broke Ballers. Apparently being broke is the new pimp.


U’r Welcome, intuhnet.

“BOOYAKASHA!”

Why Twilight Sparkle is Awesome!

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  1. She’s a unicorn, and unicorns are naturally cool.*
  2.  She’s purple, my favorite color.
  3. She has a big ol’ brain. Anyone who studies magic and science is OK in my book!
  4. Prior to moving to Ponyville, she was an anti-social recluse. I can relate.
  5. That mane and tail. You’ve just got to love the streaks.
  6.  She’s voiced by Tara Strong.
  7.  Until recently, she lived in a tree house with a magical lightning rod so’s not to get struck by lightning. Now that’s thinking green!
  8. I just plain like the name “Twilight Sparkle”. It rolls off the tongue nicely.
  9. She has purple eyes.
  10. She has mad organization skills.
  11. She hangs out with a dragon, which makes her cool by association.
  12.  She’s got that bitchin’ cutie mark.
  13.  She was mentored by Princess (should be Queen) Celestia, babysat by another princess (Cadence) and her brother (Shining Armor) is a member of the Royal Guard, so she’s connected.
  14. Her Element of Harmony is Magic. The other Elements are OK too, for the “hippy-dippy” stuff, but magic can actually kick ass.
  15. She can do the Elaine from Seinfeld dance.
  16.  In an alternate reality, she looks like this:
Equestria_Girls_Twilight_Sparkle

You’ve got the look!

*Yes, I know that Twilight Sparkle is an allicorn now, but honestly, I prefer Twilight before she became a princess. I think that the whole allicorn princess thing should have been saved for the series finale, but that’s just me.